Life Awakening

AWAKEN FROM LIFE is about discovering who you are and about defining your true self so you can seize the helm of your life! This book is changing lives. Let it change yours!

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Story of Hope Love Destiny

If you like inspirational memoirs about the power of hope, or just want to read a candid expose of my previously misaligned life, FINE…LY: My Story of Hope, Love, and Destiny is the book for you!! It’s a page turner!!

Available in Paperback or as an E-Book

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This memoir written by a woman author tells a compelling, impactful true life story about hope and love, and how she found her destiny. An excellent book for women!



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Inspiring Authors Message

Author, Randi G. Fine 

Living Life to the Fullest

Inspirational Author’s Message

The most difficult people in our lives end up being our greatest teachers.   The hurdles they place before us and the challenges they present to us are only lessons that we must learn for our greater good.   Think of the oyster…without the irritating grain of sand there would be no pearl. ~ Randi G. Fine

We all experience times of joy and times of suffering as we move through our lives. Life is a breeze during the happy times; we get to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. But we must ask ourselves how good joy would feel if we had no adversity to contrast it? The phrase, “nobody said life was easy,” was coined with good reason. The truth is, life is hard work…but the beauty of life is that it has many facets.  We are constantly challenged to learn and grow.  And as we rise to those challenges we become stronger, wiser and better human beings. The universe holds all the answers we will ever need. It’s all there for the taking if we watch, listen, and trust our intuition. I invite you to follow me on my journey as I explore the many paths to happiness, and the many avenues that will lead us to living life to the fullest. I wish you serenity and joy in your life. ~ Randi


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Masterful Advice for the Energetically Sensitive

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You don’t need to hide from the world in order to find refuge from it. The solution to being energetically sensitive is learning to be even more sensitive, and if you simply embrace and welcome everything in your experience and learn to step toward things instead of pull back from them the whole polarity of this will shift in the opposite direction. Then all of a sudden you will be communing with the light of others instead of just being inundated with what others have yet to release out of their field. ~Spiritual Master Matt Kahn

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Grieving the Loss of Your Abusive NPD Relationship

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Grieving the Loss of Your Relationship

Excerpt from Randi Fine’s Upcoming Book, Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Guide to Healing

There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown

It would seem that letting go of a relationship with someone who used, abused and objectified you, whether parent, friend, sibling, partner or spouse, would be a huge relief—a monumental weight off your shoulders. From a logical standpoint, freedom from years of control and oppression should feel good—and it may for a short period of time.

Whether your abuser leaves you or you leave your abuser, whether you choose measured contact or no contact at all, there will come a time when the relief you initially feel disappears and is replaced by a range of disturbing emotions.

Ending a relationship with someone with whom you were emotionally invested is always painful. But realizing that the relationship you thought you had never existed and that you meant nothing at all to the person you trusted and loved is completely devastating.

While coming to terms with what happened to you, you may experience periods of unexplainable loneliness, emotional wavering and deep depression that lasts days, weeks or months. You may experience bouts of sadness, denial and anger, in no particular order. This is all part of the grieving process.

Though your abuser may still be alive, the idealized relationship you hoped for is not. Your belief that the person will change is gone and a huge void remains that hope used to fill.

The grieving process is painful, but it is an integral part of your healing. It is important that you let yourself experience all the feelings that come up—cry when you need to cry, allow whatever anger you feel to rise to the surface. Anger is a necessary part of the healing process. It is the vessel through which your wounded self regains its voice.

Be gentle and accepting of your thoughts, feelings and emotions even if they seem illogical. Take care of your physical needs—eat healthily, drink lots of water, exercise, rest when you are tired, get plenty of sleep. Surround yourself with love and support.

It may seem as if the suffering will never end, but it will. Do not set a time limit for your grief. It is different for each of us.

There are five stages to the grieving process as outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, in her 1969 groundbreaking book, On Death and Dying. Since Kübler-Ross’s grieving stages apply to death and dying, not abuse recovery, I have modified the explanations. The stages are still perfectly relevant.

You may experience the first four of the grieving stages in any order and may go through each of them more than once. Acceptance always comes last.

  1. Denial:
    • You find excuses and reasons to hold on to the relationship.
    • You want to believe, against all logic or rationale that things can change.
    • You do not want to believe that the relationship is actually over.
    • You refuse to accept the reality of what happened to you.
    • The bad things that happened don’t seem so bad and the good things seem much better than they actually were.
    • You isolate yourself from others.
  2. Anger:
    • You are angry at yourself for putting up with the abuse.
    • You are angry at your abuser for ruining your life.
    • You are angry at other people for letting you down.
    • You are angry at God or the Universe for punishing you.
    • You hate your abuser for everything he has done to you and fantasize about ways to get back at him.
    • You hate yourself for being so angry and blame your abuser for making you feel that way.
  3. Bargaining:
    • You feel desperate about losing the relationship.
    • You suffer from anxiety over the loss.
    • You are willing to change your ways or give your abuser another chance to change his.
    • You are willing to forgive and forget what happened and start with a clean slate.
    • You are willing renegotiate the boundaries you set.
    • You ask him to agree to counseling or offer to go yourself.
  4. Depression:
    • You are overcome by feelings of profound sadness.
    • You feel hopeless and helpless.
    • You are unable to snap out of it.
    • You cry often and are inconsolable.
    • You are unmotivated and lethargic
    • You have disturbed eating patterns.
    • You have disturbed sleeping patterns.
    • You self-medicate with drugs or alcohol.
    • You withdraw into yourself.
  5. Acceptance: Always the final stage
    • You come to terms with the loss.
    • You feel peaceful.
    • You are able to let the relationship go.
    • You accept the limitations of your abuser.
    • You accept the choices you made.
    • You let your resentments go.
    • You are ready to move on.

    The Yugoslav writer Meša Selimović summed up grieving the loss of a relationship beautifully in this quote:

    “Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.

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Let Rage Go and Choose Love

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A Wake-up Call for Humanity

Written by Randi G. Fine

Before the United States election took prominence in the mass consciousness, our greatest concern was all the hate, fear, anger, negativity and darkness expanding in the world. So many of us wondered where all the negativity was coming from and why so many were jumping on the bandwagon to become part of it.

Now that the United States election has occurred, many of the people who were tirelessly working to spread love and light in this world in an effort to extinguish all the hate and darkness, have succumbed to the same dark thinking and have jumped on the same bandwagon.

Where did the worldwide love movement go? Have people forgotten that hatred and fear only produce more hatred and fear? Darkness cannot be extinguished by darkness. Darkness is fed by darkness. The only thing that can possibly extinguish hatred, anger, negativity and fear is love and light.

Emissions of both love and hate ripple eternally in the Universe. Darkness is a crafty, scheming force that when permitted can easily take us over. It only serves to make the human condition weaker and more vulnerable. Rage, a blinding emotion, breeds more rage.

Love is a much more powerful force than hate, but it takes a conscious effort on our part to focus our energies in that direction.

Why do so many believe that one human being is more powerful than the mass consciousness. That is impossible. The only thing that can possibly make one human being supremely powerful, more powerful than the collective consciousness, is to feed that person masses amount of fear, anger, and hatred. That is how to give power to that which we despise.

Resistance never works because it is restrictive. It creates far more problems than it solves. Love is expansive. It only creates solutions–never problems. Hate divides, love unifies.

I ask the raging masses to please snap out of the mindset that has overtaken them. If you wish to make a difference in the world, please let your rage go. Choose love and light instead.

 

 

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Valentines Day 2017

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Adult Children of Narcissistic Abuse

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LISTEN TO THE AUDIO VERSION

A Preview From Randi G. Fine’s Upcoming Book

Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: Surviving Pathological Narcissistic Abuse

This is copyrighted material. It may not be reprinted, or used in whole or part by anyone other than the author.

As an Adult Child of Narcissistic Abuse you can learn about your past, you can validate your past, you can heal from your past, you can make peace with your past, but you will never make sense of your past.

Being unable to make sense of your past is very hard for the rational mind to accept. How many times have you looked back at your childhood, trying to figure out why your parent treated you the way he did? You want to know why—what was it about you that never measured up to your parent’s expectations and why were you so impossible to love?
These are painful and illogical truths you have spent years trying make sense of, only to have gotten more confused. The rationale you keep coming back to is that you were somehow to blame.

Logic tells you that you must have played a role in the way you were treated. After all, you were not the perfect child. But logic is wrong. You had nothing to do with it. You were only a child. No child is perfect, all children make mistakes, all children act out; these are expected behaviors that come with job of parenting. Good parents love their children no matter what they do..

It has been hard for you to pinpoint exactly why you feel the way you do, why you think the way you do, or why life seems so easy for others and has always felt so difficult for you.
You are not alone in this conundrum.

Adult Children of Narcissists (ACON’s) all struggle with similar issues:

  1. They are always searching for the self. Deprived of autonomy by parents who dictated how they should act and feel, they never became their own person. They do not know who they are as individuals or what is best for them, therefore allow others to define them.
  2. They believed they are flawed, not good enough, not smart enough, not good looking enough and socially unacceptable. They are never sure how others will perceive them or if they fit in. Since they place a great deal of emphasis on what others think about them, they often get taken advantage of. These insecurities make them vulnerable to victimization by other narcissists or those with similar agendas.
  3. No matter how old they are they never feel like “grownups.” Since their parents sabotaged their stages of emotional development, they did not mature in ways other children did. As adults they continue to be treated like children by parents who still take ownership of them.
  4. They experience bouts of extraneous anger, anxiety, depression, or other emotions. Being overcome by thoughts or emotions unrelated to their current reality is a constant reminder of how broken they still are.
  5. They have issues with self-love and self-esteem. Feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy are difficult to overcome after years of being told that they were not good enough.
  6. They are prone to self-blame, shame and feelings of humiliation.
  7. They tend to be over-responsible, often taking on more than their share.
  8. They often wonder if something is wrong with them or if they might be going crazy. It seems no one is able to understand their feelings or relate to their experiences. People get impatient when they talk about their childhood. They are told to “grow up already,” or “just get over it.”
  9. They are conflicted about not liking or wanting to be around their parents—often feeling protective over them. It is socially unacceptable to not love their parents, yet hard to love ones who have treated them so badly. Terrible guilt feelings arise out of this emotional tug-of-war.

It is important to understand that your narcissistic parents suffer from a mental disorder for which they will never seek help. Whatever love seemed real or hopeful was an illusion. That love never existed and never will. You will never have a healthy or satisfying relationship with your parent; he will never change. For the sake of your own sanity you must try to come to terms with that fact.

Accepting that reality means grieving the loss of a parent you never had. The process can be equal to grieving an actual death and therefore very painful. Allow yourself as much time as it takes—days, weeks, months. Do not set expectations for the process. It is different for each of us.

There will be times when you may feel hopeless—when it becomes hard to imagine ever feeling free of the burden of your childhood. Your past is not something you will ever outgrow nor will you “just get over it.” But with the awareness gained through this book, the determination to create a better life for yourself, a good support team, and patience with the process, you will heal the festering wound. A scar will always remain, not to remind you of your suffering but of your hard-earned triumph.

I cannot emphasize strongly enough how invaluable counseling or therapy is in the process of healing from this type of abuse. If you want to put your past behind you once and for all I urge you to get help. Without professional help you will make some strides, but it is likely that you will fall back into your parent’s same manipulative traps over and over.

If you have children of your own, you must see this process through to completion. If you do not, I guarantee that your kids will somehow suffer for it. This is something I see over and over in my counseling practice, so do not fool yourself into believing this is not so. You may not think your pain negatively impacts your children, or may believe that their other parent compensates for what you lack, but you are wrong.

The damage is not likely to be apparent when they are young, but your children are certain to experience difficulty in their adult life when it is too late for you to do anything about it. If you do not want to heal for yourself, then at least heal for your children.

As an Adult Child of narcissistic abuse you have a great deal to overcome. The pain you feel is real. You were severely abused and as a child you could do nothing about it. But the picture is entirely different now. You are an adult. It is time to reclaim your life as your own. Your parent is not the omnipotent figure he always appeared to be nor does he hold any power over you. As a full-grown adult you do not have to answer to anyone but yourself. Your parents can only hurt you if you allow them to.

If you have siblings who have yet to recognize the nature of their childhood abuse and who may be receptive, hand them this book. Reach out to them. Give them the opportunity to understand what they have endured. This is in your best interest.

This may be an opportunity to bond with each other and create trust among you—to join together for support and become allies against your abuser(s). A formidable opponent such as your narcissistic parent will stand no chance against a united sibling infantry.

You have suffered long enough. It is time to embrace self-love, to nurture your inner child and to take good care of yourself.

You have the right to progress, grow, and thrive in your life. You have the right to love and honor yourself. You have the right to psychological freedom and inner peace.

You are worthy, you are lovable, and you matter.

Randi Fine is available for counseling by telephone for your narcissistic abuse issues.
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Breaking Up With a Narcissist

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Breaking Up With a Narcissist

Ending a relationship with someone with whom you were emotionally invested is always painful. But realizing that the relationship you thought you had never existed and that you meant nothing at all to the person you trusted and loved is completely devastating.

~Randi G. Fine, Close Encounters of the Worst Kind

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How Narcissistic Abuse Causes Complex PTSD

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Complex PTSD in Abuse Victims

Great show with stress expert Dr. Mary Wingo about how Complex PTSD forms in abuse victims and what it takes to heal from it. I learned a lot and you will too!

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/randi-fine/2017/01/03/relationship-between-domestic-abuse-and-stress-response-with-dr-mary-wingo

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Happy New Year 2017

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Happy New Year 2017

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True Meaning of the Holiday Season

Finding Meaning in the Holiday Season

The holidays are a time of year, almost a rite of passage one might say, that you either love or dread. There’s little in-between. Most folks look forward to the holidays and Christmas on some level, perhaps believing they can or will rekindle that childhood feeling of innocence and wonder that usually accompanies this time of the year. Most folks, however, don’t usually feel the same kind of anticipation toward the familial obligations the holidays often bring. Few folks look at the time as an opportunity to reflect upon the meaning of the holidays, and why they are meant to be important and special.

The Meaning Revealed

The holidays aren’t about presents or Santa Claus. They aren’t meant only for children (as some believe), but rather all of us. They aren’t about seeing the family and having to sit through the stress of another family dinner. They aren’t just for Christians or Jews or African-Americans or people who believe in something. They aren’t about gorging ourselves on sweets and food. They aren’t about watching football or parades or singing carols in a cold winter’s night. They aren’t about decorating Christmas trees or stringing up thousands of lights on the outside of one’s house.

The holidays and Christmas are a time to take a good look around you. They are about finding something spiritual and wonderful about yourself, your life, and the people who fill it and make it special. Not to just give thanks or show appreciation through some materialistic and commercial sense, but to understand that you have a lot. Despite everything, you are alive, relatively well, and have a life filled with people that love you. Yes, you may not realize it or even believe it to be true, but it is nonetheless. You may feel unlovable, unloved, unhappy, stressed out. But those are the simple untruths we tell ourselves everyday. The frequency of the telling doesn’t make them come true.

Finding Oneself at This Time

No matter what your religious or spiritual beliefs, the holidays for most people involve some understanding that we should be celebrating something very special. In celebrating, though, we often lose sight of the things that are truly important in our lives. We get tangled up in the specifics and forget the general point. It’s like a person who spends a year getting ready to throw a big party for themselves to enjoy…. But then the party comes and they spend so much time fretting the details, they forgot to enjoy themselves. What was the point? What is the point of a holiday you don’t give yourself time to enjoy? What is the point of obligations if you feel obligated to do them??

Ahh, you say, well, that’s what makes them obligations in the first place. But really, are they? Who puts obligations on to us? Our parents? No, we’re grown adults now. We don’t have to do what they say or ask of us. We have free will, and if we don’t want to go to a family gathering, we can simply choose not to. It doesn’t make us bad people, nor does it mean we don’t love our family. It means, simply, that sometimes we need to find our own way to celebrate that feels genuine and real to us. And that means throwing obligations out the door sometimes. Obligation is just another word for a choice where we don’t feel like we have much of a choice. The lie most people believe about obligations is that the choice doesn’t exist. But the truth is simple — you do have a choice.

What Do You Value?

Wrested free of obligations, perhaps now is the time to take a good hard look at your life and what you value. Your friends, your loved ones, your family? The car, the home, the boat, the stereo, the television, your CD or DVD collection?? Having employment, curbside trash service, running water, a roof, sufficient food and heat? Fast food, Wal-Mart, Target, Macy’s, and your local deli? Hot soup on a cold day, snow in the winter, sun in the summer? The breath that you’re taking right now, even as you read these words with two perfectly good eyes, moving a mouse with a perfectly good hand connected to a working arm?? The ability not only to receive love given to you, but to give it as well?… With a heart that grows not based upon the size of one’s wallet or the knowledge we gain, but with simple openness and age?

Honestly now, do you value more the lies you tell yourself everyday or the truth that you are afraid to admit? The familiar lies such as “I’m not good enough,” “Nobody loves me,” “I’m fat and ugly,” “I’m stupid,” “I’ll never feel better”? Why do you value these lies so much?? Maybe because you’ve been telling them to yourself for so long, you’re starting to believe them. But lies hold no value — you give them meaning and substance by continuing to believe them. The minute you choose to let go of them, they will lose their substance and the truth of you will be revealed — that you are beautiful, loved, and special in this world.

Wrested free of the trappings of the holidays as experienced by most, you become free, genuine, and unique. You remember what it means to be alive in this world, to experience life — the joys, the pain, the achievements, the losses. Everything. It is there for you. Today. Tomorrow, maybe. But today, definitely. Go out and enjoy it, enjoy yourself (maybe for a change). Enjoy the life you’ve made and the future life that is open to endless possibilities, limited only by your own imagination.

I have no magical answers, no words of wisdom or insight into how you can get to a point in your life where you can feel again, feel true to yourself, feel happiness at the life that you’ve chosen. Except this — that life is a choice we make every single day that we’re alive. How we react and interact with others, the types of relationships we choose to have with our families and friends, the choices of careers, education, and loved ones. These are all conscious choices we make. What we value or don’t value. Choosing to pursue even more materialism in an already materialistic world. It’s your choice.

The world of you is open to your own exploration. This holiday season, while celebrating the special joys of the world, take a moment to celebrate the special joys of you. Because the real secret of the holidays and Christmas is that the love and joy of the season is about the love and joy we can choose to share with one another. You and the love you have to give are what make this world special.

Peace to you.

About John M. Grohol, Psy.D.

John Grohol, PsyDDr. John Grohol is the founder & CEO of Psych Central. He is also an author, researcher, and expert in mental health online, and has been writing about online behavior, mental health and psychology issues — as well as the intersection of technology and human behavior — since 1992. Dr. Grohol sits on the editorial board of the journal Computers in Human Behavior and is a founding board member and treasurer of the Society for Participatory Medicine.

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How to Cope with Your Narcissistic Family During the Holiday Season

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Randi Fine gives advice on how to cope with your narcissistic family during the holiday season

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