Life Awakening

AWAKEN FROM LIFE is about discovering who you are and about defining your true self so you can seize the helm of your life! This book is changing lives. Let it change yours!

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Story of Hope Love Destiny

If you like inspirational memoirs about the power of hope, or just want to read a candid expose of my previously misaligned life, FINE…LY: My Story of Hope, Love, and Destiny is the book for you!! It’s a page turner!!

Available in Paperback or as an E-Book

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This memoir written by a woman author tells a compelling, impactful true life story about hope and love, and how she found her destiny. An excellent book for women!



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Inspiring Authors Message

Author, Randi G. Fine 

Living Life to the Fullest

Inspirational Author’s Message

The most difficult people in our lives end up being our greatest teachers.   The hurdles they place before us and the challenges they present to us are only lessons that we must learn for our greater good.   Think of the oyster…without the irritating grain of sand there would be no pearl. ~ Randi G. Fine

We all experience times of joy and times of suffering as we move through our lives. Life is a breeze during the happy times; we get to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. But we must ask ourselves how good joy would feel if we had no adversity to contrast it? The phrase, “nobody said life was easy,” was coined with good reason. The truth is, life is hard work…but the beauty of life is that it has many facets.  We are constantly challenged to learn and grow.  And as we rise to those challenges we become stronger, wiser and better human beings. The universe holds all the answers we will ever need. It’s all there for the taking if we watch, listen, and trust our intuition. I invite you to follow me on my journey as I explore the many paths to happiness, and the many avenues that will lead us to living life to the fullest. I wish you serenity and joy in your life. ~ Randi


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Silent Plea of Inner Child Picture Quote

invisible childPhoto Image by G. H. Hammer Graphics by Randi Fine

Inner Child Quote

The wounded inner child may be invisible, but he is still there, buried deep inside, always trying to get our attention. He runs amok in the realm of our subconscious. Denying or ignoring his existence will not make him go away. He continuously lets us know, in ways both obvious and subtle, that he needs our help – that he wants us to love and care for him. ~Randi G Fine~

I am available to talk about any life issues that are concerning you. Private, confidential.  http://clarity.fm/randi-g-fine

Read more about the Inner Child:

Healing the Child Within
Reparenting the Wounded Inner Child
Pursuing Optimal Emotional Wellness
Unconditionally Loved Children Blossom Grow Soar
Self Respect Personal Bill of Rights
Healing Inner Child Picture Quote
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Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents

Photo image by Nina Matthews  Graphic by Randi Fine

adult child of alcohics

Adult Children of Alcoholics

A counseling client of mine has recently discovered after 40 years of unhappy, painful marriage that her husband is an Adult Child of Alcoholics (ACA). Countless trips to therapists and marriage counselors to find out why her husband was emotionally unavailable, angry for no apparent reason, and could never follow through on promises all proved ineffective. Now that the source of his problem has been identified, he is in recovery and she is learning to live life on her own terms. The future looks promising for both of them.

I am sharing the following articles, written by professionals in the field, to spread awareness about the characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) in hopes that those dealing with this issue can recognize it and get the proper help.

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A Toxic Brew

Written by Pamela Weintraub, published in Psychology Today on February 09, 2007

Adult children of alcoholics face down denial, but it’s a trauma they carry throughout their lives. ~Pamela Weintraub~

If alcoholism seems like a lot to handle, imagine growing up with addicted parents. The alcoholic family is one of chaos, inconsistency, unclear roles, and illogical thinking. Arguments are pervasive, and violence or even incest may play a role. Children in alcoholic families suffer trauma as acute as soldiers in combat; they also carry the trauma like an albatross throughout their lives.

Not only is the experience devastating, it’s common, says Stephanie Brown, founder of the Alcohol Clinic at Stanford Medical Center, where she formulated the developmental model of alcohol recovery. Seventy-six million Americans (about 45 percent of the U.S. population) have been exposed to alcoholism in the family in one way or another, and an estimated 26.8 million of them are children. “These children are more at risk for alcoholism and other drug abuse than are children of non-alcoholics, and more at risk of marrying an alcoholic as well.”

Overcoming the legacy of a parent’s alcoholism may be difficult in part because there is a long history of denial. “The family is dominated by the presence and denial of alcoholism, which becomes a major family secret,” says Brown, today director of the Addictions Institute in Menlo Park, California. The secret becomes a governing principle required to hold the family together, the scaffolding for coping strategies and shared beliefs, without which the family might fall apart.

Claudia Black, a leading expert on adult children of alcoholics and author of It Will Never Happen to Me, says these children grow up with three dangerous rules: don’t trust, don’t feel, and don’t talk.adult child of alcohics1 Since alcoholic parents are so self-absorbed, they forget birthdays and other important events, leaving their children with the sense that they can have faith in no one. Since the parents inflict so much pain on their families, they teach their children to suppress their emotions just to survive. Indeed, alcoholic parents are prone to angry or violent outbursts that (along with the drinking itself) they end up denying, and children in such a home may buy the delusion, themselves. Since the children are inculcated to deny the reality around them, they develop a resistance to talking about urgent, important, or meaningful aspects of life.

Brown adds that children of alcoholics may suffer depression, anxiety, and compulsions, all related to the grueling experience of growing up in such a home. Dealing with the legacy of disturbance means treating the traumatic stress, she says. First and foremost, adult children of alcoholics “have issues with control.” That means they are afraid of others and have problems with intimacy; they harbor anxiety that if they lose control, they may become addicts themselves.

The most important emotional leap for such a survivor: Separating the past from the present. They must learn to realize that when they overreact to something now, “they are really feeling pain from the past.” Once they have that skill, they can start to move on.

Brown recommends psychotherapy for adult children of alcoholics, and states that group therapy may work extremely well. “When family distortion is the problem, groups are ideal for bringing that out.” Brown especially recommends seeking support from Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization or Co-Dependents Anonymous, which offer 12-step programs. If a group is unavailable, individual psychotherapy, family therapy, and even psychopharmacology can do a lot of good.

Article Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200702/toxic-brew

 

The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

From the Website of Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization, Inc.

  1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
  2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
  3. We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
  4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
  5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
  6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
  7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
  8. We became addicted to excitement.
  9. We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue.”
  10. We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
  11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
  12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
  13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
  14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
Article Source: http://www.adultchildren.org/lit/Laundry_List.php

 

Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics

From the Website of ACA Arizona Intergroup

Adapted from Adult Children of Alcoholics, by Janet G. Woititz, Ed.D., 1987

 1) We guess at what normal behavior is. Because of our environment, we had no role models for normalcy, so we acted the way we saw other people act, people we thought were normal, and continue this performance into our adult lives.

2) We have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end; we procrastinate. Procrastination in the usual sense is the result of laziness. Adult children of alcoholics have never been taught how to solve a problem in systematic, manageable amounts. It was always all or nothing. Consequently, we don’t have adult life skills.

3) We lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. Lies, specifically lies of denial, were used to benefit the alcoholics and para alcoholics of our homes.

4) We judge ourselves without mercy. Since there is no way for us to meet the unattainable standards of perfection we have internalized from childhood, we are always falling short of the mark we have set for ourselves. If we are responsible for some positive outcome we dismiss it by saying, “Oh, that was easy,” and so on. This is often confused with humility but is actually poor self-esteem. We should keep our poor self-esteem in mind when taking the Fourth and Fifth steps.

5) We have difficulty having fun. For most of us having fun was just a childhood fantasy. We were always imprisoned by the anger and hostility of alcoholism, even if physically removed from the alcoholic, the disease was already part of us.

6) We take ourselves very seriously. The normal spontaneity of childhood was squashed so many years ago by the pressure to be adult. Living with one or more addicts forced us to be on guard constantly. Seriousness was the only option. Now we can’t have fun.

7) We have difficulty with intimate relationships. For most of us the only reference of intimate relationships was that of our parents. Our inconsistent parent child relationships caused us to feel an overwhelming fear of abandonment. We are left too inexperienced and fearful to let ourselves get close to anyone.

8) We overreact to changes over which we have no control. As young children the addict’s life was inflicted on us as part of our environment. Our only recourse was to try to take control totally. Now any change which we are unaware of or have no control over leaves us feeling desperate and vulnerable.

9) We constantly seek approval and affirmation. The love we received as children was very erratic. The affirmations we didn’t get on a day to day basis as children, we interpreted as negative, leaving us with low self images. If someone likes us, gives us affirmation and accepts us, we usually judge them worthless. Our low self images thrive on this.

10) Because of our secretive childhood sufferings, we thought that things were always better in the “house next door.” NOBODY could possibly feel the same way as we did. Therefore, we felt unique, not a part of the group, and always looking in through an imaginary barrier.

11) We are super responsible or super irresponsible. So much of our lives are all or nothing when trying to please our parents we did more and more and more; some of us realized early in our childhood, that there simply was no pleasing them, so we did nothing. We people please until we burn out for two basic reasons; one, because we don’t have a realistic sense of our own capabilities or, two because if we say NO, we’re afraid someone might find out how inadequate we feel and no longer like us.

12) We are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved. Since starting a relationship is so difficult and frightening, when we do so we expect it to be permanent. This loyalty is usually caused by fear of abandonment. At home we always “hung in there” enabling the addict and denying the disease.

13) We are impulsive. As children our impulsivity was usually denied or covered up by our parents. We seldom suffered the consequences for impulsivity, leaving us with no deterrent, and we allow our impulsive behavior to continue in our adult lives.

Article Source: http://aca-arizona.org/characteristics-of-adult-children-of-alcoholics/ 
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Actions Speak Louder Than Words

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Tiny Wisdom: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

 Article Written by Lori Deschene for Tiny Buddha

Actions speak louder than words, but not nearly as often.” ~Mark Twain

A while back, I wrote a blog post about giving people the benefit the doubt, and suggested, as I often do, that people rarely intend to be hurtful.

Someone wrote in the comments that I’ve obviously never encountered a sociopath.

This got me thinking about the many times I’ve heard women refer to men they’ve dated as sociopaths and narcissists. It occurred to me that many of those men likely treated them horribly, but may not have had mental disorders.

There are sociopaths out there, but more often than not when people hurt us, it’s not because of psychiatric diagnoses. It’s because they’re hauling around pain from their pasts and crashing it into everyone they meet.

When someone knowingly manipulates or uses others, or deliberately tries to control or intimidate them and they aren’t mentally ill, it’s rarely a happy, well-adjusted person who simply decided to be heartless and cruel.

In understanding this, we can be compassionate—but that doesn’t mean we need to willingly accept mistreatment.

The question then becomes: how do we know when to give someone the benefit of the doubt, and when to withhold it?

Last week a reader shared an insightful Oprah quote that read, “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

While I don’t believe any one action defines who someone is, I think there’s something to this. Actions speak louder than words. And repeated actions are what shape our character and reputation.

If someone says they want to spend time together but repeatedly fails to show up, they are communicating that they aren’t willing to follow through on their promises.

If someone says they’re trustworthy but repeatedly lies, they are communicating that their word can’t be trusted.

If someone says they want to change but repeatedly fails to make an effort, they are communicating that aren’t willing to do things differently.

Acknowledging this isn’t forming judgments. It’s recognizing the facts so that we can make a wise choice based on how things are—not how we want them to be.

We may recognize we’re being mistreated and choose to set and enforce a boundary. We all deserve second chances, and sometimes a third or fourth.

But other times we need to open our eyes so that we know when enough is enough.

It’s never our fault when someone else hurts us, but it’s within our power to stop allowing it.

This post was republished with permission from tinybuddha.com. You can find the original post at: http://tinybuddha.com/quotes/tiny-wisdom-actions-speak-louder-than-words/
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She is the author of the Tiny Wisdom eBook series (which includes one free eBook) and Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself. She’s also the co-founder of the eCourse: Recreate Your Life Story: Change the Script and Be the HeroFollow @tinybuddha for inspiring posts and wisdom quotes.Avatar of Lori Deschene
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Happy Fourth of July 2014

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Have a happy and safe Fourth of July 2014!

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Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents Learn to be People Pleasers

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people pleaser

Do I Have To Be Nice To People Who Are Mean To Me?

In the narcissistic family, it’s all about image. The focus is usually on “how it looks to others.” This can cause troops of people pleasers and encourage behavior that is not authentic. When children are told to “put a smile on that pretty little face,” or “people don’t like children who cry,” or “throw back those shoulders and act like everything is ok,” something gets damaged in the child. The message translates into “don’t be real,” and “don’t have feelings.” A primary internalized impression found in children raised by narcissists is: “You are valued for what you do and how it looks, versus who you are as a person.”

If a child spends extensive childhood energy attempting to gain love, approval, and acceptance from a narcissistic parent who cannot provide it, that child learns the ingrained behavior of people pleasing. The result is disturbing because it creates co-dependency and even an extreme tolerance for aberrant behavior in others. When others are mean, the adult child of narcissistic parents transforms into the one who takes the blame, apologizes, and feels “they” must be nice.say no6 They ultimately even end up trying to fix the problem. The hurt is there, but is accepted and taken anyway, because they have learned they cannot expect anything else. Common phrases heard from the co-dependent are “I’m fine” and “I’m sorry.” The message carried from childhood is that everyone is supposed to like you. Well… do you like everyone “you” meet?

Isn’t it true that at least fifty percent of the people you meet… you might not really like? You may not choose to take them home as your best friend or to meet your children and family? They may not be your kind of folk, or they may have different beliefs and values from you. You don’t have intense negativity towards them, but they might not be “best friend material” for you or your family. So, why would it not be true that at least fifty percent of the people you meet, may not like you? This can be a relief to those who believe that every single person must like them. It can lift the weight of trying to please everyone, which results in the ultimate journey of impossible endeavors.

So, do we have to be nice to people who are mean to us? What do we do? Do we have to expend significant energy to make it better? Do we have to continue to people please? The answer lies in knowing that you are worthy and deserve to be treated kindly by others. You do not have to put up with mean, cruel or abusive behavior from anyone. You can learn to set boundaries and draw your line in the sand.personal-boundaries This is what I will accept and this is what I will not accept. You are worth it to take good care of yourself in this manner. If you don’t, who will? Does this mean you will be hurtful or ugly back to others who are mean people? No, there is no need for this when you are taking good care of yourself. If you are living your most creative life, doing what you want to do, enjoying the environment you have created for yourself, you are much less worried about what others think.

You can stay away from the mean and ugly and focus on you and your own sense of self and recovery. Seeking revenge or staying in the victim role are no longer viable options. You simply remove yourself, draw boundaries, and take care of you. You realize that not everyone will think like you and that is okay. You become more tolerant of others and the concept of difference but you know that you control whom you hang out with and what you will be willing to do.

There is no longer a need to blame or be angry because you are in control of you. In your loving and close relationships, you will more easily be able to talk through issues that come up with new found confidence in resolution. We all know that when others are cruel or mean, it is about them and whatever is going on for them. But, many are still at risk of letting others define them, and giving away control. This surrender can allow others to make you feel awful, rejected and miserable. But, remember, we can’t take counsel from the wounded. We define us. There is amazing freedom in this elementary wisdom .

Wayne Dyer, in his first published work, speaks of what happy people look like. He so aptly says, “They are too busy being to notice what their neighbors are doing.” In a narcissistic culture today where the focus is glamour glitzed with sparkle, image, and desire for external validation, there is comfort to be found in the beauty of you. The real you. Your internal validation is your defining moment.

As the late Eleanor Roosevelt reminds, “Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.” How refreshingly simple.

Article Resource: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201108/do-i-have-be-nice-people-who-are-mean-me 
Resource Website: http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com

I am available to talk about any life issues that are concerning you. Private, confidential.  http://clarity.fm/randi-g-fine

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Psychic Channel Brings Forth Spiritual Wisdom from Beyond

Photo by Kevin M. Klerks

rainbowa

I posed the following questions to the spiritual advisor group who collectively call themselves, “Rainbow Walker,” channeled by Matthew Douglas, on my June 17, 2014 show on A Fine Time for Healing.

These videos are the actual recordings of Rainbow Walker’s answers to my questions, as they were spoken through Matthew.

If you choose not to come back here (Earth) are you choosing a realm free of pain?

If you choose not to reincarnate, how will you grow?

To listen to the entire 45 minute show, please visit  http://www.blogtalkradio.com/randi-fine/2014/06/17/matthew-douglas-channels-spiritual-advisor-group-called-rainbow-walker

For more information about Matthew Douglas and Rainbow Walker Spiritual Advisors, please visit http://www.rainbowwalkerbooks.com/blog/
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Choosing Counseling Over Coaching

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Counseling or Coaching

Making the Choice

Randi G. Fine, Life Issues Counselor

Everywhere we turn we see someone advertising themselves as a professional “Life Coach.” It certainly seems to be one of the most popular careers of the twenty-first century. Harvard Business Review reports that coaching is a $1 billion dollar a year industry.

Life Coaches are trained to partner with their clients in a process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential. Many coaches are highly effective in helping others achieve those goals. Many are influential, gifted speakers and powerful motivators.

With my passionate desire to help ease others’ journeys through life, I seriously considered training to be a life coach. I thought that coaching was the next logical path to take in my career. However, the more I learned about the coaching profession, the more dissuaded I was from joining it; it did not seem to be the right “fit” for me.

My ability to help others is a gift I was born with. I have the natural, empathic ability to understand others’ emotional pain, and a trustworthy connection to the source of spiritual wisdom that can guide them towards healing that pain. No amount of training can teach someone how to do that.

In the course of my 50+ years on this Earth, the Universe demonstrated the plans it had for me to help others many times. It presented many adverse opportunities for my life training. It purposefully honed my expertise by placing many difficult hurdles in my path, and infused me with the courage and knowledge to jump them. To this day I continue to be an avid student of life.

I am honored to be entrusted with this gift; one that I know I am meant to share. Nothing fulfills me more than being a faithful messenger of hope for others.

Over the years, through my guidance (a gift that I take no credit for) and the support that I lovingly offer, many have found hope in seemingly hopeless situations; many have healed their painful emotional wounds.

It is important that we all understand the greater purpose behind our struggles. When pain and adversity enter our lives it may seem as if we are being punished for something. That is a common misconception and one that is untrue. Challenges are opportunities put before us to help us grow. Though that may be a difficult concept to grasp when we are hurting, the truth is that pain is the impetus for personal growth. Every time we face and rise above life’s challenges we grow and become better people.

Each of us has the courage and tenacity within us that is needed to overcome our personal hardships. We all have the ability to do it on our own; we just get stuck sometimes. That’s when we need guidance. That’s where I come in.

No one understands your pain more than someone who has lived it. I have lived it. If you are ready, I can help. Even more importantly, I want to help.

All guidance is done by telephone and in the privacy of your own home. The fee is easily affordable, and you may call from anywhere in the world, as long as you speak English. Know that everything you share with me will be held in the strictest confidence.

Why waste another day in pain? Let’s work together so you can have the happiness you deserve.

For more information please visit me at https://clarity.fm/randi-g-fine.

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Heartwarming Video Montage in Honor of Father’s Day

father's day

Real Dad Moments by Dove

A Beautiful Tribute to Dads in Honor of Father’s Day

Glimpses of Fatherhood in All its Precious Moments

By Dove

Have A  Happy Father's Day

Father’s Day | Forward this Picture

Also Read: 

Father’s Day Picture Poem

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Internet Radio Show A Fine Time for Healing

Photo Image by Seier+Seier  Graphics by Randi Fine

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Listen to Healing Internet Radio

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Inspirational Buddha Quote About Life

Photo Image by NB Photostream Graphics by Randi Fine

buddha quote

Inspirational Buddha Quote About Life

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.

Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many.

Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books.

Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.

Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations.

But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefits of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.

~Buddha~

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