Veterans Day 2016

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veterans-day4On Veteran’s Day 2016

Thank you to all Veterans past and present who have selflessly served our country and protected our freedom.

Today, on Veteran’s Day 2016, we celebrate you!

America’s Flag

Written by William E. Kenyon, Brimfield, MA

Fifty stars for fifty states

Of which we can be proud

Thirteen stripes, of red and white

Our flag doth cry aloud

Do not threaten me it cries

I am the symbol of a country great

We will not run, we will not hide

We are the United States

We are a country of freedoms

We will fight, we will not bend

Our men and women proudly serve

Till all wars are at an end

Do not try to frighten us

You cannot break down our door

You cannot kill tradition

Other countries have tried before

As I wave I give this warning

We are a country that stands tall

I am a flag that stands for freedom

I am the flag that will not fall

God Bless our Troops and God Bless America!

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How to Deal with Narcissistic Parents

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angry-old-ladyStrategies for Dealing with Narcissistic Parents

Excerpt from Randi Fine’s Upcoming Book, Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Guide to Healing

As an adult child dealing with narcissistic parents, normal rules do not apply. Confrontations do not work, reasoning does not work, standing up to them does not work, and family counseling does not work. Your feelings will never be validated. Your parent will never admit he has done anything to hurt you or has ever done anything wrong, period.

If your parents are anything like mine they will deflect what they did by throwing the blame back on you. My parents have told my sisters and me more times than I can count that they went through hell raising us. The truth is that we went through hell being raised, but they will never see it that way.

If your non-narcissistic parent is an enabler you cannot count on her to help you. She will probably defend her partner to the death, even if it means sacrificing her relationship with you. If she doesn’t defend him she will make excuses for him.

That leaves you with only two options for dealing with your parents: measured contact or no contact/total estrangement. In either case you will need to enforce ironclad boundaries.

The decision whether or not to stay in contact becomes difficult when your narcissistic abuser is a sick, infirm or aged parent. That is a very personal choice that you will have to weigh.

No matter the case, no one can tell you what is best for you. Your decision should come after careful consideration.

Measured contact with your narcissistic parent:

Measured contact means having controlled, limited interactions with the narcissistic parent. All of the tips and strategies I have given you for dealing with a narcissist are applicable to dealing with a narcissistic parent. Boundaries must be set up and enforced so tightly that the narcissistic parent is afraid to cross the line. Refer to Chapter Thirty if you need additional help setting your boundaries.

Setting boundaries with a narcissistic parent who does not want them (none of them do) is difficult, but it can be done. Be prepared; it requires toughness and tenacity on your end to pull it off. When you first try to set boundaries with your parent, expect that he will fight ferociously to prevent you from doing it.

It is not a mean or vindictive thing to establish boundaries with your parents. It is the fair and right thing to do in every relationship you will ever have. The fact that your parents do not wish to be fair in their treatment of you should not be deterrence.

Once boundaries are established your parent will continually test them, just as a child tests limits, to see how far he can go. If you keep enforcing the consequences you have clearly laid out, he will eventually comply or back off entirely.

You will never be able to relax your boundaries with your abusive parent. No matter how much time passes, or how long he has been on his best behavior, beware—he will always be looking for a way back in.

The only exception to that rule is if your parent develops senile dementia or another disease that affects his memory. Some adult children finally have the lovely relationships they have always desired with their narcissistic parents, once their parents lose their memory. But I wouldn’t count on that happening.

The following are tips to help you navigate a measured contact relationship with your narcissistic parent:

  • Narcissists learn best by reward and punishment, just as children do. Set up clear guidelines for what you will and will not tolerate, advise your parent what those guidelines are, and then be a strict enforcer.
  • All measured contact interactions should be strictly on your terms. You control if they will occur, where they will occur, and how long they will occur. The less time spent with your parent, the easier it is to control the outcome.
  • Do not let your narcissistic parent rely solely on you. Enlist others to help you. Your parent will probably tell you he has no one else, or that no one can replace you, but that is only to manipulate you and keep you around for narcissistic supply. Relieve yourself of the responsibility of being his one and only, and then watch how fast he replaces you. You will be amazed.
  • When interacting with your narcissistic parent, do not confront or criticize him. Agree with everything he says and any advice he gives without voicing an opinion or displaying emotion. When you leave, do as you please.
  • Any information you share with your parent should be given on a need-to-know basis. Your narcissistic parent may tell you everything, but you do not have to tell him everything. Keep it generic.
  • No matter what he says, do not let him see you react. If he is trying to provoke you and you feel like you might react, just say goodbye, and depending on the situation either hang up the phone or get up and leave.

No contact with your narcissistic parent:

If your parent will not stop the manipulation and abuse no matter what strategies you use or boundaries you set, and every interaction with him is toxic and stressful for you, it is probably best to separate yourself from him entirely. No one should have to put up with ongoing abuse.

Total estrangement means no contact at all. Having no contact may involve:

  • Informing your parent that you wish to have no contact with him
  • Informing friends and family that you have severed contact with your parent
  • Changing your telephone number(s) or blocking your parent’s number(s)
  • Not listening to any voice mails or reading any texts from your parent
  • Not engaging in any conversations with your parent; no phone calls, no emails, no texts
  • Changing your email address, blocking your parent from accessing it, or directing all his emails to spam
  • Asking mutual friends and relatives not to share information about your parent with you, unless it is an emergency situation that you should be notified about
  • Asking mutual friends and relatives not to share information about you with your parent
  • Blocking your parent’s access to your social networking sites
  • Storing away any photos or memorabilia that remind you of your parent

When there are grandchildren:

When grandchildren are involved, if at all possible it is best not to restrict your parent’s access to them, unless your children are being manipulated or abused. Your children deserve to have a relationship with their grandparents as long as it is a positive one.

That said, if you were sexually abused by a parent, or suspect you were, do not allow that parent access to your child without supervision. Your enabling parent is not an adequate supervisor—he or she did not protect you.

In most cases parents who were emotionally abusive to their children will not be emotionally abusive to their grandchildren, though one can never be sure. When your children are young it is best to monitor what goes on. If you suspect there is a problem, stop the visits.

The best defense your children can have against any type of abuse or manipulation is a strong boundary system. Start teaching them boundaries as soon as they can speak. Give them age appropriate privacy, independence, and respect, and require they give the same back to you. Be a good example for your children. Have your own healthy boundary system in place. Your children will do exactly as you do.

Some tips:

  • Ask your children specific questions about their visits. Make sure boundaries are not being crossed and that there is no inappropriate abuse going on.
  • Never say derogatory things about your parents to your children, and make sure your parents are not saying derogatory things about you to them.
  • Support your young children’s relationship with their grandparents by sending greeting cards for special occasions with the children’s names on them.
  • If it makes you feel more comfortable, ask someone you trust to transfer your children to and from their grandparents’ home. When they are mature enough, let them negotiate the relationship logistics (transportation, telephone calls, greeting cards, etc.)
  • All your children should be treated equally. Assigning grandchildren roles as they did their own children is abusive. Favoritism is abusive. If it is happening, stop allowing your children to spend time alone with their grandparents.
  • If young children ask why you don’t have a relationship with their grandparents, tell them that some things happened that made you not want to be around them, but that it has nothing to do with their grandchild/grandparent relationship. When they are older you can explain more, but never badmouth your parents to your children.

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How to Emotionally Disarm the Narcissist

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mindEmotionally Disarming the Narcissist

Today’s amazing guest Vincent Guastamacchia, former NYC hostage negotiator specializing in crimes by narcissists, talks about how to emotionally disarm the narcissist. Very intriguing and useful information!!

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/randi-fine/2016/10/25/the-criminal-side-of-narcissists-with-hostage-negotiator-vincent-guastamacchia
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Free On Air Palm Readings November 8th

Myrna Lou Goldbaum. Master Palmist

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If you would like to have your palm read free on my November 8th podcast by Master Palmist and Soulmate Specialist Myrna Lou Goldbaum, please scan your dominant hand and email it to finerandi@hotmail.com. I can only take 4, so first come first serve. You will be able to listen to the show live or to the recorded version afterwards to hear your reading.

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Letting Go Picture Quote

letting-go

Letting Go of Past and Moving On Quote

Letting go does not mean becoming emotionless in regard to the memories of a painful or traumatic event. Letting go means giving up the suffering that you associate with the memories from a painful or traumatic event.   ~Randi G. Fine~

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Narcissistic Abuse Related Weight Issues and Eating Disorders

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eating-disorder

Weight Issues and Eating Disorders Related to Narcissistic Abuse

Excerpt from Randi Fine’s Upcoming Book, Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Guide to Healing

I have been asked by many to include a chapter explaining the relationship between narcissistic abuse and weight/eating-related disorders. I invested some time researching the topic so I could address those concerns. These types of disorders are complex, but I will do my best to give you some answers.

Many theories underlying the causes of these food related disorders exist, though there doesn’t seem to be one explanation that applies in every case. Most experts do agree that low self-esteem and feelings of helplessness are common denominators. Little has been written correlating weight/eating related disorders directly with narcissistic abuse, but the low self-esteem/feeling of helplessness connection seems fitting.

Studies show that trauma, of which narcissistic victims suffer a great deal, may predispose people to these types of disorders. According to the National Eating Disorders Association, it is estimated that around 30 percent of eating disorder sufferers have been the victim of trauma (emotional abuse, physical abuse, neglect and/or sexual abuse) in their lives. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that more than six million obese and morbidly obese people are likely to have suffered physical, emotional, sexual or verbal abuse during their childhoods.

Child abuse issues that have been identified as contributing to eating disorders are:

  • Abandonment
  • Chaotic and/or angry family environment
  • Emotionally or physically absent parents
  • Unrealistic parental expectations
  • Over-protectiveness
  • Extreme parental rigidity
  • Forced suppression of feelings or emotions
  • Overvaluing or undervaluing physical appearance
  • Teasing and/or criticism
  • Deprivation of love, affection, approval and acceptance

This problem is not exclusive to sufferers of narcissistic child abuse. Abuse by partners, spouses, friends, co-workers, bosses, or siblings can also cause symptoms, behaviors and mental states known to foster eating issues such as:

  • Depression
  • Feelings of inadequacy
  • Unrealistic expectations of self
  • Feeling defective and worthless
  • Poor or no self-identity
  • Fear of criticism
  • Anger
  • Powerlessness
  • Hopelessness
  • Inability to express emotions, detachment
  • Black and white thinking
  • Approval seeking
  • Emotional regulation problems
  • Body image or appearance issues
  • Guilt
  • Self-blame
  • Shame
  • Anxiety
  • Poor coping mechanisms
  • Lacking control over life
  • Feeling unloved and unaccepted

Narcissistically abused victims may resort to food manipulation for a variety of reasons.

  • Since certain foods activate brain chemicals that produce calm and euphoric feelings, they can be used as “drugs” to calm anxiety, numb pain and alleviate depression. Victims become trapped in a vicious cycle of addiction eating to temporarily feel better, followed by the emotional let-down or shame of over-eating that compels the person to eat again.
  • Excessive or compulsive eating can be a way for abuse victims to fill the emptiness they feel inside. They “stuff” themselves to fill a void.
  • Food may be considered the person’s only friend; one who does not make her feel bad, hurt or betray her.
  • Abuse victims may inflict punishment on themselves through the deprivation of food or the over-eating of it, believing that they don’t deserve anything good in their lives.
  • Some victims of abuse who feel as if they have no control over their life may resort to starving or binge-eating followed by purging to gain some control of it. Purging is also a way to release emotions.
  • Some victims starve themselves to please their abusers, believing that if they lose weight the abuse will stop.

Four common weight-related disorders may develop in abuse victims:

  • Anorexia nervosa
    • Those with anorexia nervosa have a distorted self-image—they see themselves as overweight, even when they are critically underweight. They obsessively weigh themselves, severely limit their caloric and fat intake, and/or restrict the amount and the kind of food they eat. Anorexia nervosa sufferers tend to be perfectionists by nature.
  • Bulimia nervosa
    • Those withbulimia nervosa have recurrent, frequent, and uncontrollable bouts of excessive eating. To avoid gaining weight, these episodes are followed by compensating behaviors such as self-induced vomiting, over-use of laxatives or diuretics, fasting, or excessive exercising. Bulimia nervosa sufferers tend to be impulsive by nature.
  • Binge-eating disorder/Compulsive over-eating
    • Those with binge-eating disorder are not able to control their food intake. They feel compelled to eat even when they are not hungry, and cannot stop even when they feel full. Unlike with bulimia nervosa, they do not follow binging episodes with purging, fasting, or copious amounts of exercise, therefore are often overweight or suffer from obesity. Binge eaters have impulse control issues.
  • Emotional-eating disorder
    • Those with emotional-eating disorder use food as a way to control their emotions and regulate their moods. Episodes may be occasional or habitual, and can occur frequently throughout the day. Emotional eaters use food to block painful memories, soothe distressing moods, and as a form of protection. They are likely to suffer from excess body weight or obesity.

Eating disorders are harmful and life threatening. If you believe you are suffering from one, I urge you to promptly seek the help of an experienced mental health professional specializing in your condition.

In the meantime:

  • Practice expressing your emotions in healthy ways instead of harboring them.
  • Be mindful about your eating habits.
  • Do things that you enjoy or that make you feel good.
  • Treat yourself with love, kindness and respect.
  • Find healthy ways to self-soothe; exercise, yoga, walking, meditation, take a bath.
  • Avoid people and places that make you feel bad about yourself.
  • Seek out support groups for your particular problem.
  • Create affirmations and use positive self-talk.

If you have a food-related or eating-related disorder after suffering narcissistic abuse, it is my sincere hope that this chapter has given you the insight needed to progress in your healing journey.

Please be kind and gentle with yourself.

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How to Deal with Narcissistic People

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Strategies for Dealing with Narcissistic People

Excerpt from Randi Fine’s Upcoming Book, Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Guide to Healing

If you are looking for someone to fulfill your needs, give you support, and appreciate the best you have to offer, don’t rely on a narcissist. Narcissists are limited emotionally. They will never be who you want them to be. The sooner you can accept this fact, the better off you will be.

You have probably seen glimpses of that ideal person in your narcissist and told yourself that there must be a good person somewhere inside of him, that there is always hope he might change. Since the narcissist is human you will catch glimpses of humanity, but never empathy. Be careful not to allow these brief emanations of kindness to fool you into believing in the narcissist’s potential. He is only nice and kind if there is some personal gain for being so. Forget about potential. What you see is what you get.

Following are tips to help you manage the narcissist in your life. You must strategize to protect yourself just as diligently as he strategizes to abuse you.

  •  Stay emotionally distant. If you continue to live with the narcissist do not share any of your feelings or emotions with him. Be guarded. Do not let him see you get upset. Do not try to rationalize with him. He sees these things as weaknesses and will use them against you. If you are physically removed from the narcissist, the same applies, but it may be easier to do.
  • Do not give advice or tips to narcissists. They will take your helpful words as criticisms and lash out against you.
  • Check your sense of humor. Narcissists have no ability to laugh at themselves. You and he do not find the same things funny, and he is easily offended.
  • Postpone and delay rather than confront. If you feel like a conversation is not going well or you are being criticized, make excuses that will buy you time and cool his emotions down.
  • Be direct and concise when you speak to the narcissist. The more you elaborate, the weaker you will appear to him. You do not have to explain yourself or fill in uncomfortable silences. Just say what you have to say and leave dead air space.
  • Never negotiate with a narcissist. You will lose every time.
  • Never give a narcissist a second chance. If he has made a promise and does not keep it, do not let him convince you that he will do better next time. He will not. If he disregards a boundary that you have set, follow through on the consequences you previously established.
  • Manage the narcissist’s wayward emotions and moods. Think of him as if he is a child having a temper tantrum rather than an adult who has power over you. Try to allay his anxieties and fears. It is his fragility, not high self-esteem that causes him to bully.
  • Convince the narcissist that you are playing on the same team he is. Do not give him reasons to treat you like an enemy.
  • Have no expectations of the narcissist. He will never consider your feelings, take responsibility for anything he does or apologize for hurting you. He does not care about you and never will.
  • Accept that what you see is what you get. He will never change into the person you want him to be. Don’t let him fool you into believing he will. Remind yourself of this often. Create an affirmation you can say to yourself to reinforce the fact.
  • Try not to take his treatment of you personally. It is a symptom of his insecurities. It is not about you.
  • Stay focused on your personal objectives. Do not let the narcissist side track you. Do whatever it takes to reach your goals. Be patient and be smart.
  • Exercise self-control. Narcissists are button pushers. They love reactions and they love drama. Do not feed into the things they do.
  • Never accuse or blame the narcissist. Take responsibility for all your feelings by using “I” statements.
  • Never demand or give ultimatums. If you want to sway the narcissist in a particular direction, frame it in a way that appeals to his ego. Instead of saying, “My office is having another family picnic. I always want to go and you never agree to it. If you say no I am going without you,” you could say, “My boss asked about you today. He thinks you are so intelligent and interesting, and looks forward to seeing you at this year’s family picnic. The girls in my office hope to see you there too. They always talk about how handsome and charming you are.”
  • Narcissists feed off of compliments. Nothing soothes the savage beast more than having his ego stroked. Tell him how successful he is, how nice he looks, and how much you admire the ease in which he relates to people. 
  • Narcissists use fear to control their victims. Do not show him that you are afraid of him.
  • Take nothing the narcissist says at face value. He lies and manipulates even when there is no reason to. Be discerning with everything he tells you to avoid falling into his traps.

 Ending a telephone conversation:

  • Always be the one in control of the conversation. End it immediately, without explanation, if the narcissist starts crossing boundaries. Just say, “Okay, I have to go now.”
  • Do not allow the narcissist to ramble on and on. Set a time limit to prevent him from sucking you into his drama and then adhere to it. Again, no explanation is necessary. It is simply time for you to go.
  • Narcissists are not interested in what you have to say. They don’t care about what is going on in your life. The fastest way to get them off the telephone is to talk about yourself or something you know disinterests them. Do not let them get a word in edgewise. Watch how fast they hang up.

Staying safe:

  • Remove yourself and your children from any abusive situation as soon as possible. Do not leave forwarding information with anyone they are in contact with or anyone who can be manipulated into giving it to them.
  • Do not suffer in silence. Do not be secretive about your abuse. Reach out to others; just be careful who you share your problem with. The last thing you need is to be judged or blamed. If you cannot trust anyone you know, enlist the support of a mental health professional who understands.
  • If you expect to have contact with an estranged narcissist, let others know where you will be, how they can reach you, and when you will be leaving.
  • Always have an exit strategy. Do not allow yourself to be cornered or isolated.
  • If you feel threatened and cannot calm the situation down, call in law enforcement.
  • If you suspect that the narcissist you are living with is dangerous, prepare ahead of time. Have all your important papers ready to grab and take with you at a moment’s notice. Have emergency numbers coded and programmed into your cell phone.
  • If you want to leave but are afraid to, enlist the support of your state or local domestic violence assistant programs before making any moves.

If you are contemplating leaving your narcissistic abuser, do not clue him in ahead of time or threaten to leave. Be very smart. Plan your strategy and when you are ready, just leave.

Do not give him time to withdraw all your money out of a bank account or spend it all, charge up credit cards, defame you to your employer or anyone you may need to be reliant on, or destroy your personal property. Irate, vindictive narcissists are notorious for doing all those things.

After you leave, immediately cancel all joint credit cards and close all joint bank accounts. Do not take any of his calls or answer his emails. Block him on all social media accounts. If he shows up at your door, do not let him in. Call the police if you have to.

Copyrighted Material. May share with proper attribution but not reproduce.

 

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Are You Suffering from Narcissistic Victim Syndrome

Most of us are aware of the symptoms we are experiencing and how they impact our lives long before we ever seek professional help for them. But fitting our symptoms together in a way that makes sense is difficult. That is why knowing about narcissistic victim syndrome is so important. Once we identify what is wrong with us we can begin the appropriate healing process.

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Tyrannical Rule of the Narcissistic Father

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npd-father1Tyrannical Rule of the NPD Father

Excerpt from Randi Fine’s Upcoming Book, Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Guide to Healing

A father’s role is to love, protect, support and guide his children. Narcissistic fathers do none of those things. They are cruel, arrogant bullies who take advantage of vulnerable children—children who so want and need their love.

The narcissistic father has no respect for his children. He does not consider them individuals in their own right but rather extensions of his perfect self. Children are nothing more than captive narcissistic supply. He sees no other reason for their existence.

Though he may occasionally tell his children that he loves them, his words do not match his actions. He is rarely pleasant; he is often explosive, moody and abusive. When he is not exploiting and devaluing his children he is ignoring them.

The narcissistic father is impossible to please. Children are expected to meet his ever changing, self-centered needs without the benefit of reward. He rules them through manipulation, intimidation and fear. Children do not like how they feel when their narcissistic dad is around, but nothing could ever diminish their need for his love, acceptance and attention.

Children are given little to cling to in that regard; there are elemental acts of paternal care, occasional displays of affection, and glimpses of mercifulness. Sadly, the same gestures so prized by his children are just as easily used against them as emotional blackmail. He is heartless in getting what he wants from them.

The narcissistic father expects his children to cater to his every whim. They are expected to be ready and available to him at all times. That is because narcissistic men have no impulse control, no ability to delay gratification. When they want something they expect to snap their fingers and instantly receive it. If they don’t get their way they throw ferocious temper tantrums.

To avoid having to deal with his terrifying episodes of rage, the narcissistic father’s children walk on eggshells around him. That still provides no insurance. He finds any excuse to get angry.

Nothing his children do is ever good enough.  He is intolerant of anything less than perfection— perfection as defined by his distorted ideals. To maintain his delusional, spotless self-image, he demands his children be impeccable in looks, exemplary in actions, and unequalled in performance.

All demands narcissistic fathers place on their children are hypocritical and contradictory. These men are disrespectful to their children but intolerant of their insubordination. They are derogatory and vulgar in the way they speak to their children but expectant of refinement and decency from them. Though mercilessly critical of their children, they are highly offended by their children’s innocuous queries and comments.

Their thinking is backward. The behaviors narcissistic fathers consider disrespectful and insulting—independent thinking, assertion of autonomous beliefs, judgments and opinions, and expression of personal likes and dislikes—are the very things most fathers praise and encourage in their kids.

Children in these environments have no rights and no voice. Their fathers consider themselves lords and masters over their families. All decisions are to be made by them, no questions asked. They feel entitled to choose their children’s friends, clothing and interests. Children who dare to question their fathers’ choices or opinions face terrifying rage and irrational threats.

Fathers may threaten to send the children away or leave them, or threaten bodily harm or death. Threatening statements such as, “I brought you into this world, and I can just as easily take you out of it,” are usually idle, but the children cannot bank on that. They can never be sure of what their maniacal father is capable.

Narcissistic fathers also punish their children through guilt trips with statements such as: “I give you a house to live in, clothes to wear, and food to eat, and this is how you repay me,” or “You are nothing but a selfish ingrate.”

As is the case with all narcissistic parents, nothing brings out more hostility in these fathers than the threat of their children’s autonomy because they fear losing narcissistic supply. As owners of their children, narcissistic fathers feel entitled to feed off of them at will. They claim the right to abuse them mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically. Some fathers, the worst of the worst, sexually abuse as well.

Children have no right to their futures. Their fathers quash their dreams, goals and plans. Their career paths are chosen for them without any consideration for what they want to do with their lives. They want their children to be successful so they can take credit for their achievements, but there is one catch: children are not allowed to have more or achieve more than their narcissistic father has.

Narcissistic fathers demoralize their children. Children are told that they don’t deserve to have or receive nice things. Those who dare to ask for anything more than what is offered are told they are greedy. They are accused of only loving their father for his money. Their father chooses what his child will and will not have, and when he or she will have it. Nothing given is permanent; everything comes with a high price tag.

No matter how devoted the children are or how hard they try to please their father, they are forever held in debt. Nothing they have done before gets credited to them. They are only reminded of what they owe their father in the moment.

While all the children in the family strive to please their father, only one child at a time will be recognized for it. As is true with all narcissistic parents, fathers choose only one golden child. The rest of the children are assigned scapegoat or invisible children roles. Typically chauvinistic, they are more likely to choose a son over a daughter, or the most “manly” son in the family as their golden child.

The golden child is clearly favored, but he knows that the stakes for that veneration are high. He never confuses the preferential treatment he receives from his father with paternal love. His father may toss more crumbs his way than he does his siblings, but true parental love is never shown.

The narcissistic father blinds the golden child into believing that he has the most wonderful, generous father in the world and should be grateful for his privileged status. But the golden status is highly conditional. For one, it often requires the child take sides with his father against his mother and less favored siblings. He is deliberately misled by lies his father tells him to ensure that allegiance. He must also be available to his father, comply with all his rules, and revere him. Any infractions could boot him right out of golden status and get him demoted to scapegoat status.

The scapegoat role is typically assigned to sons with less machismo or daughters, but any child can end up in that doghouse.

Boys who are assigned the role of scapegoat have it rough. Their father mercilessly picks on and bullies them. They are called “sissies” or something to that effect. Scapegoat sons can never rise above the labeling their narcissistic father puts on them. All attempts to demonstrate their masculinity are met with ridicule. No matter what these boys do they can never measure up to their father’s expectations or escape the brunt of his hostility. They are constantly being yelled at, put down, teased, and called names.

Scapegoat sons can only endure the relentless abuse for so long before their hurt turns to anger and they act out. Some run away from home to escape the tyranny, some get into trouble at school or with the law. Some hold out until they are able to achieve independence and then leave as soon as they possibly can. Many numb their pain through substance abuse. Whatever the method of self-liberation, most of them will permanently sever ties with their father.

Daughters raised under the oppression of a narcissistic father seem to have a different experience than sons do. They are likely to receive positive attention from their father during the years when they are cute, compliant little “Daddy’s girls.” As they age they become less valuable.

Some narcissistic fathers begin treating their daughters as if they do not exist. Others may continue paying attention to their daughters but in an entirely negative way. Physically maturing girls may be told they are fat or unattractive. They may be labeled “teases” or “sluts” for the way they dress or for wanting to wear makeup.

Narcissistic fathers enjoy playing on their daughters’ emotions. They tease and provoke the girls to the point of screaming or crying and then say they are too sensitive or call them crazy for the way they’re behaving.

Daughters are not the only females in the family treated poorly. Narcissistic men are emotionally and sometimes physically cruel to their wives as well. Though the spousal abuse occurs away from the public eye, it usually happens in front of the children. Narcissistic fathers frequently place their children in the middle of their marital conflicts and make them choose sides. Neither the children’s feelings nor their emotional health are considered. These things do not concern him. The only feelings that ever matter are his own. All family members are expected to sacrifice their happiness for his. Still, nothing about his family makes him happy.

He prefers not to be with his family at all. If he does spend time with them, the activity must always be focused on his enjoyment. Family activities are never pleasant or fondly remembered by the children because they are never geared toward family fun. The children are made to do whatever their father wants to do—no discussions, no compromise.

Narcissistic men bore easily with the daily routine of having a family. Resentful of the mundane tasks of fatherhood that do not feed their egos, they’d rather spend time with other families that are impressed by their charisma, charm and grandiose stories, and are chock full of narcissistic supply.

Narcissistic fathers find every reason not to engage with their families. Having little or no patience with their children, all child-rearing is left up to their wives. While their wives are busy taking care of the family, they are out looking for excitement and gratification elsewhere, often from other women.

Narcissistic husbands typically have mistresses on the side. It is not uncommon for them to have second families and second homes. They are highly insecure, especially when it comes to their masculinity, so validation from one woman, especially a wife, is not enough. They must keep seeking reassurance from new women through a series of affairs. Unsuspecting newcomers rarely know these men are married.

To justify cheating on their wives, narcissistic men tell themselves lies such as: “She doesn’t appreciate me anymore,” “She doesn’t treat me well,”She doesn’t really love me,” or “She’s lucky I even stay with her.”

The “other women” are treated much better than their wives are. They must keep up the grand facade to string these women along. If the men do have second families, those children are usually treated better than their legitimate children are. Much more narcissistic supply can be gained from a new family, one who has yet to see what these men are capable of. Some narcissistic men dump their first family and invest entirely in their new one. It is only a matter of time before the cycle of abuse starts all over again with these unsuspecting victims.

Should the first wife leave or divorce her husband before he abandons or divorces her, he will wage a tireless war of revenge aimed at destroying her life and decimating the family unit. Suddenly transforming from worst father ever to “Dad of the Year,” he will rally the children around him. This wake-up call has nothing to do with loving his children or fearing he’ll lose them. His motivation comes entirely from his compulsion to win. He does not really want the children—he wants to punish their mother.

To gain their allegiance, children will be told fabricated lies about their mother. They’ll be told that their mother is not who they think she is—that she is really a bad person, a fake, a liar. Their father will blame the responsibility for all the marital and family problems on her, maintaining that he always loved their mother and tried to keep the marriage together, but that she never loved him and was never faithful to him (more about this in Chapter Forty: Divorce and Parental Alienation).

This is a very confusing turn of events for children who had always feared their father and trusted their mother. Now they do not know who to believe, who to trust. Some side with the mother, some with the father. The children’s resentments against their other parent and each other build to a point where reconciliation is nearly impossible. The family is torn apart.

Having successfully achieved what he set out to do, he moves on to his next victim.

No matter the scenario, a trail of pain, heartbreak and devastation is left in the aftermath. Victims who have suffered this abuse are left with a tremendous amount to overcome.

If you are an adult child of a narcissistic father who wants to heal the damage done to you, my best advice to you is to enlist the help of an experienced professional who can help you work through your issues.

It is rational to want to confront the man who stole so many years of happiness from you, but it is pointless to do so. The only thing you will gain is more pain, guilt, anger and confusion. You will never get validation or cooperation from your father. He will never acknowledge what he did, take responsibility for his actions, or change his ways. He will always blame someone else—probably you.

Siring a child makes a man a father but not necessarily a dad. Dads love their children. Dads put their children before all else and all others.

You owe this man for nothing more than the sperm he donated to create you. Any loyalty or love you wish to give him is your choice. You are under no obligation to offer either.

This is copyrighted material. May not be reproduced.

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September 11th Memorial Music Video

Wake Me Up When September Ends

by Greenday


Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends
Like my father’s come to pass
Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are
As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends
Ring out the bells again
Like we did when spring began
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are
As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends
Like my father’s come to pass
Twenty years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends

Written by Michael Pritchard, Frank E., Iii Wright, Billie Joe Armstrong • Copyright © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc
Posted in September 11th | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment