Adult Children of Narcissistic Abuse

npd abuse10 Adult Children of Narcissistic Abuse

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A Preview From Randi G. Fine’s Upcoming Book

Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: Surviving Pathological Narcissistic Abuse

This is copyrighted material. It may not be reprinted, or used in whole or part by anyone other than the author.

As an Adult Child of Narcissistic Abuse you can learn about your past, you can validate your past, you can heal from your past, you can make peace with your past, but you will never make sense of your past.

Being unable to make sense of your past is very hard for the rational mind to accept. How many times have you looked back at your childhood, trying to figure out why your parent treated you the way he did? You want to know why—what was it about you that never measured up to your parent’s expectations and why were you so impossible to love?
These are painful and illogical truths you have spent years trying make sense of, only to have gotten more confused. The rationale you keep coming back to is that you were somehow to blame.

Logic tells you that you must have played a role in the way you were treated. After all, you were not the perfect child. But logic is wrong. You had nothing to do with it. You were only a child. No child is perfect, all children make mistakes, all children act out; these are expected behaviors that come with job of parenting. Good parents love their children no matter what they do..

It has been hard for you to pinpoint exactly why you feel the way you do, why you think the way you do, or why life seems so easy for others and has always felt so difficult for you.
You are not alone in this conundrum.

Adult Children of Narcissists (ACON’s) all struggle with similar issues:

  1. They are always searching for the self. Deprived of autonomy by parents who dictated how they should act and feel, they never became their own person. They do not know who they are as individuals or what is best for them, therefore allow others to define them.
  2. They believed they are flawed, not good enough, not smart enough, not good looking enough and socially unacceptable. They are never sure how others will perceive them or if they fit in. Since they place a great deal of emphasis on what others think about them, they often get taken advantage of. These insecurities make them vulnerable to victimization by other narcissists or those with similar agendas.
  3. No matter how old they are they never feel like “grownups.” Since their parents sabotaged their stages of emotional development, they did not mature in ways other children did. As adults they continue to be treated like children by parents who still take ownership of them.
  4. They experience bouts of extraneous anger, anxiety, depression, or other emotions. Being overcome by thoughts or emotions unrelated to their current reality is a constant reminder of how broken they still are.
  5. They have issues with self-love and self-esteem. Feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy are difficult to overcome after years of being told that they were not good enough.
  6. They are prone to self-blame, shame and feelings of humiliation.
  7. They tend to be over-responsible, often taking on more than their share.
  8. They often wonder if something is wrong with them or if they might be going crazy. It seems no one is able to understand their feelings or relate to their experiences. People get impatient when they talk about their childhood. They are told to “grow up already,” or “just get over it.”
  9. They are conflicted about not liking or wanting to be around their parents—often feeling protective over them. It is socially unacceptable to not love their parents, yet hard to love ones who have treated them so badly. Terrible guilt feelings arise out of this emotional tug-of-war.

It is important to understand that your narcissistic parents suffer from a mental disorder for which they will never seek help. Whatever love seemed real or hopeful was an illusion. That love never existed and never will. You will never have a healthy or satisfying relationship with your parent; he will never change. For the sake of your own sanity you must try to come to terms with that fact.

Accepting that reality means grieving the loss of a parent you never had. The process can be equal to grieving an actual death and therefore very painful. Allow yourself as much time as it takes—days, weeks, months. Do not set expectations for the process. It is different for each of us.

There will be times when you may feel hopeless—when it becomes hard to imagine ever feeling free of the burden of your childhood. Your past is not something you will ever outgrow nor will you “just get over it.” But with the awareness gained through this book, the determination to create a better life for yourself, a good support team, and patience with the process, you will heal the festering wound. A scar will always remain, not to remind you of your suffering but of your hard-earned triumph.

I cannot emphasize strongly enough how invaluable counseling or therapy is in the process of healing from this type of abuse. If you want to put your past behind you once and for all I urge you to get help. Without professional help you will make some strides, but it is likely that you will fall back into your parent’s same manipulative traps over and over.

If you have children of your own, you must see this process through to completion. If you do not, I guarantee that your kids will somehow suffer for it. This is something I see over and over in my counseling practice, so do not fool yourself into believing this is not so. You may not think your pain negatively impacts your children, or may believe that their other parent compensates for what you lack, but you are wrong.

The damage is not likely to be apparent when they are young, but your children are certain to experience difficulty in their adult life when it is too late for you to do anything about it. If you do not want to heal for yourself, then at least heal for your children.

As an Adult Child of narcissistic abuse you have a great deal to overcome. The pain you feel is real. You were severely abused and as a child you could do nothing about it. But the picture is entirely different now. You are an adult. It is time to reclaim your life as your own. Your parent is not the omnipotent figure he always appeared to be nor does he hold any power over you. As a full-grown adult you do not have to answer to anyone but yourself. Your parents can only hurt you if you allow them to.

If you have siblings who have yet to recognize the nature of their childhood abuse and who may be receptive, hand them this book. Reach out to them. Give them the opportunity to understand what they have endured. This is in your best interest.

This may be an opportunity to bond with each other and create trust among you—to join together for support and become allies against your abuser(s). A formidable opponent such as your narcissistic parent will stand no chance against a united sibling infantry.

You have suffered long enough. It is time to embrace self-love, to nurture your inner child and to take good care of yourself.

You have the right to progress, grow, and thrive in your life. You have the right to love and honor yourself. You have the right to psychological freedom and inner peace.

You are worthy, you are lovable, and you matter.

Randi Fine is available for counseling by telephone for your narcissistic abuse issues.
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Breaking Up With a Narcissist

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Breaking Up With a Narcissist

Ending a relationship with someone with whom you were emotionally invested is always painful. But realizing that the relationship you thought you had never existed and that you meant nothing at all to the person you trusted and loved is completely devastating.

~Randi G. Fine, Close Encounters of the Worst Kind

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How Narcissistic Abuse Causes Complex PTSD

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Complex PTSD in Abuse Victims

Great show with stress expert Dr. Mary Wingo about how Complex PTSD forms in abuse victims and what it takes to heal from it. I learned a lot and you will too!

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/randi-fine/2017/01/03/relationship-between-domestic-abuse-and-stress-response-with-dr-mary-wingo

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Happy New Year 2017

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Happy New Year 2017

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True Meaning of the Holiday Season

Finding Meaning in the Holiday Season

The holidays are a time of year, almost a rite of passage one might say, that you either love or dread. There’s little in-between. Most folks look forward to the holidays and Christmas on some level, perhaps believing they can or will rekindle that childhood feeling of innocence and wonder that usually accompanies this time of the year. Most folks, however, don’t usually feel the same kind of anticipation toward the familial obligations the holidays often bring. Few folks look at the time as an opportunity to reflect upon the meaning of the holidays, and why they are meant to be important and special.

The Meaning Revealed

The holidays aren’t about presents or Santa Claus. They aren’t meant only for children (as some believe), but rather all of us. They aren’t about seeing the family and having to sit through the stress of another family dinner. They aren’t just for Christians or Jews or African-Americans or people who believe in something. They aren’t about gorging ourselves on sweets and food. They aren’t about watching football or parades or singing carols in a cold winter’s night. They aren’t about decorating Christmas trees or stringing up thousands of lights on the outside of one’s house.

The holidays and Christmas are a time to take a good look around you. They are about finding something spiritual and wonderful about yourself, your life, and the people who fill it and make it special. Not to just give thanks or show appreciation through some materialistic and commercial sense, but to understand that you have a lot. Despite everything, you are alive, relatively well, and have a life filled with people that love you. Yes, you may not realize it or even believe it to be true, but it is nonetheless. You may feel unlovable, unloved, unhappy, stressed out. But those are the simple untruths we tell ourselves everyday. The frequency of the telling doesn’t make them come true.

Finding Oneself at This Time

No matter what your religious or spiritual beliefs, the holidays for most people involve some understanding that we should be celebrating something very special. In celebrating, though, we often lose sight of the things that are truly important in our lives. We get tangled up in the specifics and forget the general point. It’s like a person who spends a year getting ready to throw a big party for themselves to enjoy…. But then the party comes and they spend so much time fretting the details, they forgot to enjoy themselves. What was the point? What is the point of a holiday you don’t give yourself time to enjoy? What is the point of obligations if you feel obligated to do them??

Ahh, you say, well, that’s what makes them obligations in the first place. But really, are they? Who puts obligations on to us? Our parents? No, we’re grown adults now. We don’t have to do what they say or ask of us. We have free will, and if we don’t want to go to a family gathering, we can simply choose not to. It doesn’t make us bad people, nor does it mean we don’t love our family. It means, simply, that sometimes we need to find our own way to celebrate that feels genuine and real to us. And that means throwing obligations out the door sometimes. Obligation is just another word for a choice where we don’t feel like we have much of a choice. The lie most people believe about obligations is that the choice doesn’t exist. But the truth is simple — you do have a choice.

What Do You Value?

Wrested free of obligations, perhaps now is the time to take a good hard look at your life and what you value. Your friends, your loved ones, your family? The car, the home, the boat, the stereo, the television, your CD or DVD collection?? Having employment, curbside trash service, running water, a roof, sufficient food and heat? Fast food, Wal-Mart, Target, Macy’s, and your local deli? Hot soup on a cold day, snow in the winter, sun in the summer? The breath that you’re taking right now, even as you read these words with two perfectly good eyes, moving a mouse with a perfectly good hand connected to a working arm?? The ability not only to receive love given to you, but to give it as well?… With a heart that grows not based upon the size of one’s wallet or the knowledge we gain, but with simple openness and age?

Honestly now, do you value more the lies you tell yourself everyday or the truth that you are afraid to admit? The familiar lies such as “I’m not good enough,” “Nobody loves me,” “I’m fat and ugly,” “I’m stupid,” “I’ll never feel better”? Why do you value these lies so much?? Maybe because you’ve been telling them to yourself for so long, you’re starting to believe them. But lies hold no value — you give them meaning and substance by continuing to believe them. The minute you choose to let go of them, they will lose their substance and the truth of you will be revealed — that you are beautiful, loved, and special in this world.

Wrested free of the trappings of the holidays as experienced by most, you become free, genuine, and unique. You remember what it means to be alive in this world, to experience life — the joys, the pain, the achievements, the losses. Everything. It is there for you. Today. Tomorrow, maybe. But today, definitely. Go out and enjoy it, enjoy yourself (maybe for a change). Enjoy the life you’ve made and the future life that is open to endless possibilities, limited only by your own imagination.

I have no magical answers, no words of wisdom or insight into how you can get to a point in your life where you can feel again, feel true to yourself, feel happiness at the life that you’ve chosen. Except this — that life is a choice we make every single day that we’re alive. How we react and interact with others, the types of relationships we choose to have with our families and friends, the choices of careers, education, and loved ones. These are all conscious choices we make. What we value or don’t value. Choosing to pursue even more materialism in an already materialistic world. It’s your choice.

The world of you is open to your own exploration. This holiday season, while celebrating the special joys of the world, take a moment to celebrate the special joys of you. Because the real secret of the holidays and Christmas is that the love and joy of the season is about the love and joy we can choose to share with one another. You and the love you have to give are what make this world special.

Peace to you.

About John M. Grohol, Psy.D.

John Grohol, PsyDDr. John Grohol is the founder & CEO of Psych Central. He is also an author, researcher, and expert in mental health online, and has been writing about online behavior, mental health and psychology issues — as well as the intersection of technology and human behavior — since 1992. Dr. Grohol sits on the editorial board of the journal Computers in Human Behavior and is a founding board member and treasurer of the Society for Participatory Medicine.

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How to Cope with Your Narcissistic Family During the Holiday Season

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Randi Fine gives advice on how to cope with your narcissistic family during the holiday season

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Overcoming Adversity Quote

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Quote About Facing and Overcoming Adversity

When life places a wall in our path we have two choices…
we can beat our head against it or we can figure out a way to
get around it. ~Randi G Fine~

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Growing Through Pain Picture Quote

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 Pain Has a Greater Purpose Quote

While in the midst of our sadness, grieving, or disappointment, the overwhelming feelings make it difficult to imagine that our pain has a greater purpose. Know that there is always a universal intention and a lesson to be learned from every challenge we face in life. Face pain with acceptance – something good always rises out of something bad. Trust that you will be led through your pain, and in time will be led out of it. ~Randi G. Fine~

I am available to talk about any life issues that are concerning you. Private, confidential.

 

 

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Inspirational Short Christmas Story

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The Gold Wrapping Paper 

An Inspirational Short Christmas Story

Found on http://www.wanttoknow.info

Once upon a time, there was a man who worked very hard just to keep food on the table for his family. This particular year a few days before Christmas, he punished his little five-year-old daughter after learning that she had used up the family’s only roll of expensive gold wrapping paper.

As money was tight, he became even more upset when on Christmas Eve he saw that the child had used all of the expensive gold paper to decorate one shoe box she had put under the Christmas tree. He also was concerned about where she had gotten money to buy what was in the shoe box.

Nevertheless, the next morning the little girl, filled with excitement, brought the gift box to her father and said, “This is for you, Daddy!”

As he opened the box, the father was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, now regretting how he had punished her.

But when he opened the shoe box, he found it was empty and again his anger flared. “Don’t you know, young lady,” he said harshly, “when you give someone a present, there’s supposed to be something inside the package!”

The little girl looked up at him with sad tears rolling from her eyes and whispered: “Daddy, it’s not empty. I blew kisses into it until it was all full.”

The father was crushed. He fell on his knees and put his arms around his precious little girl. He begged her to forgive him for his unnecessary anger.

An accident took the life of the child only a short time later. It is told that the father kept this little gold box by his bed for all the years of his life. Whenever he was discouraged or faced difficult problems, he would open the box, take out an imaginary kiss, and remember the love of this beautiful child who had put it there.

In a very real sense, each of us has been given an invisible golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, family, friends and God. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.

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Protecting Yourself from Abusive Narcissists and Shamers

Protecting Yourself from Abusive Narcissists and Shamer/Blamers

In this December 9, 2016 show on A Fine Time for Healing, show host Randi Fine talks about defining boundaries with your narcissistic abusers and others who cannot possible understand what you are going through.

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