FREE Offer for Narcissistic Abuse Survivors

For a Limited Time

Randi Fine is offering a FREE private, 30 minute telephone narcissistic abuse counseling session

and TWO FREE gifts (as shown below)

in exchange for a five-star review on Amazon for her groundbreaking new book,

Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery.

*Sorry, offer only valid for those with United States addresses and telephone numbers

IT’S SIMPLE:

  1. Go to Amazon.com and purchase the Paperback or Kindle version of Close Encounters of the Worst Kind.  (If you have already purchased a copy you can still go back and leave a review)
  2. Leave a 5-star review.
  3. Send an email to loveyourlife@randigfine.com. Provide the name you used on your review, as well as your true name, and mailing address.
  4. VOILA! You will receive an email about setting up your free counseling session, and in just a few days your gifts will arrive in the mail.

Declare That YOU Have Survived Close Encounters of the Worst Kind with this Free Pen and Bookmark!

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Close Encounters of the Worst Kind

Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery

Written by Randi G. Fine

Now Available in Paperback and Kindle

Please leave glowing reviews on Amazon about this book so others who need it will feel confident in purchasing it. Let’s make this a global bestseller so everyone around the world can get the help they need!

Watch the Book Trailer Here

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Prayer for My Integrity and Dignity

Prayer for My Integrity and Dignity

Author Unkown

Let me find myself in the beauty of the world when I open my eyes.

Let my soul be refreshed when I view the new day.

Let me look at each day as a new beginning, a chance to be kind, to do good, to offer inspiration, to be strong, and to strengthen my resolve to live my life with dignity.

Let me always know my blessings.

Let my life be enriched by the new life that surrounds me, and wisdom garnered from the lessons of the past.

Let no person be allowed to destroy my dignity.

Let me find the resolve to live my life with self-respect and let no person divest me of this purpose.

Let me have faith in times of despair and in my times of joy, always mindful that they are on the same continuum, that no life is free of either.

In despair, let me never close my eyes to my blessings. In joy, let me not forget that others are despondent and may need help.

Let me value my life and treat myself with the dignity and respect that was the purpose of my creation.

Let me experience the love that surrounds me in this world and know that I have never been alone.

Let me consider the road I have traveled but not ponder it too much. I know the reasons for the oppression I have endured.

Let me forgive myself for not having had the courage in the past to live my life in freedom.

Let me honor myself now for the courage I had to leave a life that divested me of my dignity.

Let me live in the present and build hope in the future.

Let me for all my remaining days live my life authentically.

Let me have the courage to face my fears, and know that challenges are an opportunity for growth. Problems have solutions and stretch one’s soul.

Let me never again compromise my integrity.

Let me maintain my direction and self-discipline, and use these gifts. I realize that my purpose on Earth is still unfolding.

Let me persevere to fulfill this purpose. Let me allow myself to flourish and become the person I was meant to be.

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Toxic Narcissistic Leadership in the Workplace

The Mantra of Toxic Leadership

Article Written by Martin Ward

“You’re in my world now”.

Five simple but emotionally charged words that were fired at me by a senior colleague I worked with many years ago, during a debate on some point I can’t now remember. The words sent a chill down my spine and for good reason, as time would reveal, since this was to prove my first glimpse into the inner workings of a highly narcissistic mind.

We are told that the opposite of success is not failure, but failure to act. I can buy this. Likewise, I believe the opposite of positive leadership is not negative leadership per se, although this runs a close second; it is actually narcissistic leadership. Why? Because even with negative leadership it is still essentially all about the team, just with unhelpful tactics thrown in the mix. With a highly narcissistic person at the helm it is all about the leader themselves, and only them; the team are simply pawns in the narcissist’s game.

So what’s the issue with a narcissistic leadership style?

Firstly, narcissistic leaders create a toxic culture that is literally a ‘cult of personality’ that pays scant attention to the needs or well being of other team members. Narcissistic leaders are also unlikely to solicit or accept any critical feedback on their chosen course or direction, which can spell disaster if they get it wrong. Finally, and most importantly, narcissistic leaders can cause real damage to the mental and physical health of people whom they target, which will typically be anyone who challenges them, positively or otherwise, or in any way makes them feel threatened. Paradoxically, the individuals targeted for such abuse are oftentimes the very ones who, through their experience or talents, are best placed to offer positive and constructive support; but the narcissistic leader wants none of this.

Broken careers, failed health, long periods of sick leave, nervous breakdown, complex stress disorders and, in extreme cases, even worse. Often these people will have had no real idea what was happening to them until it was too late, leaving them reeling from extreme behaviors that they could not have hoped to understand, let alone reconcile or begin to manage.

So, what is narcissism and how do extreme narcissistic leaders behave?

Just like most psychological traits, narcissism exists on a continuum and we all have an element of it in our make-up; this ‘healthy narcissism’ helps to protect us and ensure our personal needs are met. In fact, narcissism is a natural stage of human development that all infants pass through – speak to anyone with a two-year-old child for confirmation!

However, adults with extreme narcissistic traits have very low self-esteem and a shaky sense of self, which causes them to invent a ‘perfect’ false self as a defense mechanism. Their entire existence is then geared towards maintaining the ‘image’ of this false self. In this pursuit they will bully, lie and cheat without remorse. Any perceived challenge will be met with ‘narcissistic rage’, an explosive anger designed to protect their fragile ego from damage. Other people are used as ‘narcissistic supply’ to validate the narcissist’s false self, and then discarded when they no longer serve this purpose.

In the workplace, all of this can be disastrous. A leader with extreme narcissistic traits will show little empathy for others. They will exhibit a strong sense of entitlement to whatever special treatment they feel they deserve. They will say and do whatever gets them to their desired goal, whether it be true or false, right or wrong, fair or unfair. They will use any, and every, tactic of manipulation to ensure they exert total control over their environment.

So how do you spot an extreme narcissist before it’s too late?

When you know what to look for it’s actually quite easy. There are formal diagnostic criteria that define extreme narcissism which you can find through a simple Google search, but it’s probably more valuable here to focus on some practical pointers to the typical behaviors you might witness. Here’s my watch list of the extreme narcissist’s mantras:

#1: I’m right, you’re wrong. Extreme narcissists have to be right, always. Their very sense of self depends on this being the case. They are never wrong.

#2: I win, you lose. Extreme narcissists have to win at all costs. But this isn’t enough. They also have to prove that you lost, hands down.

#3: Challenge me and I’ll destroy you. Extreme narcissists cannot accept any form of challenge, whether real or perceived, to their authority, ideas or goals. They will rage against anyone who dares to do this, irrespective of that person’s motives or the merits of their arguments.

#4: The truth is whatever I say it is. Extreme narcissists will say whatever they need to in order to reach or precipitate a particular outcome they wish to achieve. Aside from direct lies, they will re-write history if it suits their purposes.

#5: You are there to serve my needs. Extreme narcissists have a strong sense of being special and entitled to commensurate treatment. They will not care if their actions cause additional work, inconvenience or problems for you.

#6: The rules don’t apply to me. Extreme narcissists will not be held accountable for their actions under any circumstances. Rules are for other people and they play by their own personal and private set at all times; these will change to suit the circumstances.

#7: You are required to adore me. Extreme narcissists crave adoration. This is what keeps their fragile sense of self intact. If you don’t deliver this adoration on cue, you are liable to be treated as an enemy.

#8: It’s dog eat dog. Extreme narcissists believe that everyone thinks the same way they do and is ‘working an angle’ to gain an advantage. Hence, it’s fine for them to behave the way they do. Ironically, this cynical world view often precipitates the very behaviours in others that they imagine are there in the first place, creating a negative, self-fulfilling prophecy.

#9: I’ll decide what you get to know. Extreme narcissists use information as a tool to control others. By ensuring they are the only one with the full picture they are able to manipulate situations to their advantage, play people off against each other and remove the likelihood of others questioning them. Lack of transparency is the hallmark.

There are other mantras for sure, but you get the picture.

Armed with the above insights, if you do find yourself working with someone for whom these behaviours ring true, and you’re in the firing line, you have two clear options. You can unconditionally accept the behaviours and take whatever comes your way, which is of course incredibly hard to do over an extended period. Or, you can pack your things and slip away, drawing comfort from the fact that you recognised the warning signs and had the good sense to remove yourself from harms way.

The reason is because, for the extreme narcissist, it will be a fight to the bitter end and they will win; they have to win in order to protect their very sense of being. It is a fight you simply cannot win and one you will be ill-equipped to pursue. They, on the other hand, will almost certainly have been fighting, and winning, such battles most of their life. It just will not be worth the toll on your well being.

The golden learning point

Over my career, I’ve encountered a handful of extreme narcissists. In most cases they have been very capable people, but without exception they have left a trail of human carnage in their wake. As I have researched what makes these people tick, the critical learning point for me has been quite unexpected and, in many ways, counter-intuitive.

Extreme narcissists are essentially ‘messengers’ who can shine a torch into your soul and ensnare you by the lure of a promise to meet your deepest needs. Once you actually hear that message and understand this lure, you will be equipped to chart a new course for yourself that is hugely more positive than any the extreme narcissist could ever put in front of you.

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Happy Holidays 2017

Happy Holidays 2017

Thank you for all the faith and trust you have put in me in the last year. Wishing you and those you love a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. ~Randi ♥

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Narcissistic Abuse on Mental Health News Radio

The Many Facets of Narcissistic Abuse

Randi Fine’s November 17, 2017 interview about narcissistic abuse on Mental Health News Radio with fabulous show host Kristin Sunanta Walker.

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Rising Above Narcissistic Victimization

Pain is Mandatory, Suffering is Optional

Article Written by Randi G. Fine

Author of Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing

Most of us have been, victimized many ways in our lives; emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, spiritually. Our response to what happens to us is voluntary.

Narcissistic abuse is sheer victimization. But there is a huge difference between being victimized against our will, and choosing to respond to the victimization by living the rest of our lives with a victim mentality. When hardship strikes it is entirely optional whether to proceed as thriving survivors or miserable martyrs. One empowers us, the other dis-empowers us.

To be empowered is to be hopeful, progressive, transformative, resilient, solution oriented, and happy. To be dis-empowered is to be hopeless, stagnant, disengaged, weak, needy, and unhappy. Those who choose dis-empowerment have no one to blame for their undesirable status except themselves.

I do not mean to suggest that it is easy to rise above adversity, setbacks, tragedy. Only that the efforts put toward it are worth it. And once we rise above our pain, our life becomes easier. Contrarily, succumbing to the negative outcome of whatever happens to us may be easy at first, but highly destructive in the long run. We can either choose to reap the benefits of our undertaking or be handicapped by our neglect.

Often, after tragedy strikes, we find ourselves stuck in a bewildered, stagnant emotional state.  The amount of time we remain in this state of mind is not set; it is different for each of us. Before deciding how to move forward we need time to process our shock and grieve our losses. Once done we are faced with choices on how to deal with residual feelings. Sometimes we need professional help, sometimes we don’t. If you have been narcissistically abused, you definitely do.

Sometimes the pain in our lives is so deep and has been there so long, we don’t know where to begin. We feel emotionally paralyzed. Choosing our position as victor or victim from a healthy minded standpoint may be impossible. That inability to make clear, healthy choices for ourselves signals the need for the compassionate intervention of a mental health professional, trusted clergy, or legitimate spiritual healer.

Ultimately we “volunteer” or choose whether to rise above our problems, or wallow in the misery of them. We choose whether to take responsibility for our lives or blame others. We decide if we want to be characterized by our fortitude or by our weakness.

There is no clear-cut path through life. Whatever our destiny we all have free-will. Life is all about making personal choices. Choose wisely.

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How to Heal From Narcissistic Abuse

Groundbreaking new book for narcissistic abuse survivor’s
Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery

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Happy Thanksgiving 2017

Happy Thanksgiving 2017
May your Thanksgiving be filled with Peace, Love, and Harmony

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Statistics Unjust to Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

Is The Mayo Clinic Blind to Epidemic Levels of NPD?

Written by Randi G. Fine, Narcissistic Abuse Expert, Counselor, and Author of

Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery

It never fails to amaze me that when learning of my professional platform, one out of every three people I talk to report having either suffered narcissistic abuse or knowing someone who has.

Narcissistic abuse has reached epidemic proportions. Awareness of it has skyrocketed in the last ten years. Those who have suffered the enduring effects of it for years, now have a wealth of resources to identify the source of their pain. Sadly the mental health community at large has yet to acknowledge that this problem even exists.

As an NPD abuse counselor worldwide I modestly estimate that hundreds of thousands of people (if not millions) have had their lives destroyed by the narcissistic personality disordered. Children all over the world are consistently targeted by predatory parents who use and abuse them. They are deprived of their right to thrive.

Narcissists are everywhere. They run rampant in families, romantic relationships, friendships, workplaces, the corporate world, the entertainment industry, and the government. Covert narcissists, of which there are many, operate just below the radar, therefore are not easily recognized. That makes them extremely dangerous. Overt narcissists, much more obvious in their predatory behaviors, are more likely to be exposed. These are the actors, politicians, and government officials we frequently hear about in the news; now more than ever.

One would wonder why nothing is being done to stop these masses of soul sucking criminals. The answer is three-fold. Narcissists are masters of disguise, licensed mental health professionals have little experience working with them, and the criminal justice system is easily manipulated by them.

Those with narcissistic personality disorder are mentally ill but not insane. They are fully present in the real world and cognizant of everything they do. Narcissists are masterful manipulators who employ brainwashing tactics and psychological warfare to control their victims. They brilliantly mastermind covert plans that the non-pathological mind could never even conceive, knowing that their victims will never catch on. They believe they are smarter, better, more perfect, and more deserving than everyone else is. The problem is that they do not know anything is wrong with them.

Due to the nature of the NPD disorder, those who have it cannot recognize they do. Their pathology blinds them to the reality of who they are. Even a subtle mention that something about them needs improving incites a terrifying rage. So, though it is possible for those with narcissistic personality disorder to get better, they never will.

Narcissists rarely seek out the guidance of licensed mental health professionals because they don’t think anything is wrong with them. If they are coerced into treatment they will either manipulate the therapists or doctor into believing there is nothing wrong with them, or they will call them quacks and never go back.

Licensed mental health professionals cannot legally diagnose a disorder without having first done a complete mental health evaluation. No matter how obvious the person’s pathology is they will rarely call it by name without doing one.

Knowing there is no true data on the prevalence of NPD, I was shocked and appalled to see the Mayo Clinic publicly classifying the disorder as “rare.” Statistics on the prevalence of NPD are highly inaccurate because they are based on reporting and studies. Reporting cannot possibly reflect an accurate count, nor can studies.

I and many other pioneers work tirelessly to bring awareness to the global prevalence of NPD and the abuse caused by it. That irresponsible reporting coming from a highly respected, highly regarded institution such as the Mayo Clinic is hugely disappointing. Understanding as I do the vast ignorance that exists among many professionals on this topic, I should not have been so surprised. Still I gasped when I searched NPD and saw this report plastered on the entire right side of a Google page.

I promise to passionately fight to bring awareness to this suffering until it exists no more. You have my word. I will not be deterred.

 

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