Overcoming Adversity Quote

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Quote About Facing and Overcoming Adversity

When life places a wall in our path we have two choices…
we can beat our head against it or we can figure out a way to
get around it. ~Randi G Fine~

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Growing Through Pain Picture Quote

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 Pain Has a Greater Purpose Quote

While in the midst of our sadness, grieving, or disappointment, the overwhelming feelings make it difficult to imagine that our pain has a greater purpose. Know that there is always a universal intention and a lesson to be learned from every challenge we face in life. Face pain with acceptance – something good always rises out of something bad. Trust that you will be led through your pain, and in time will be led out of it. ~Randi G. Fine~

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Inspirational Short Christmas Story

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The Gold Wrapping Paper 

An Inspirational Short Christmas Story

Found on http://www.wanttoknow.info

Once upon a time, there was a man who worked very hard just to keep food on the table for his family. This particular year a few days before Christmas, he punished his little five-year-old daughter after learning that she had used up the family’s only roll of expensive gold wrapping paper.

As money was tight, he became even more upset when on Christmas Eve he saw that the child had used all of the expensive gold paper to decorate one shoe box she had put under the Christmas tree. He also was concerned about where she had gotten money to buy what was in the shoe box.

Nevertheless, the next morning the little girl, filled with excitement, brought the gift box to her father and said, “This is for you, Daddy!”

As he opened the box, the father was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, now regretting how he had punished her.

But when he opened the shoe box, he found it was empty and again his anger flared. “Don’t you know, young lady,” he said harshly, “when you give someone a present, there’s supposed to be something inside the package!”

The little girl looked up at him with sad tears rolling from her eyes and whispered: “Daddy, it’s not empty. I blew kisses into it until it was all full.”

The father was crushed. He fell on his knees and put his arms around his precious little girl. He begged her to forgive him for his unnecessary anger.

An accident took the life of the child only a short time later. It is told that the father kept this little gold box by his bed for all the years of his life. Whenever he was discouraged or faced difficult problems, he would open the box, take out an imaginary kiss, and remember the love of this beautiful child who had put it there.

In a very real sense, each of us has been given an invisible golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, family, friends and God. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.

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Protecting Yourself from Abusive Narcissists and Shamers

Protecting Yourself from Abusive Narcissists and Shamer/Blamers

In this December 9, 2016 show on A Fine Time for Healing, show host Randi Fine talks about defining boundaries with your narcissistic abusers and others who cannot possible understand what you are going through.

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Childhood Narcissistic Abuse Quote

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npd-abuse26Self-love, self-respect, and self-validation are inner experiences that childhood narcissistic abuse victims never develop. As adults they require reinforcement from others that they are lovable, worthy, intelligent, and sane. They need to be reassured that the decisions they make are right and that they are not misinterpreting things. ~ Randi G. Fine

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Limiting Beliefs Held by Narcissistic Abuse Victims

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affirmation591Changing Your Inner Dialogue

Excerpt from Randi Fine’s Upcoming Book, Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Guide to Healing

Each of us has a subconscious inner voice, called an “inner dialogue,” that strongly influences our life.  Since it has always been such a consistent part of our waking lives, most of us do not even realize it is there.

Our inner dialogue controls everything we do. It shapes our perception, makes decisions for us, cautions us, forms our values and opinions, tells us who we are and what we like, monitors our behavior, evaluates situations, and makes judgments.

When our inner dialogue is positive, it empowers us. When our inner dialogue is negative it discourages us. Negative dialogue forms limiting beliefs.

Limiting beliefs can come from powerful outside influences such as parents, religions, families, educators, culture, media, and society. They can also develop on their own after repeated exposure to stimuli, or as a result of trauma or abuse.

Limiting beliefs sabotage our lives. They tell us untruths and lies, make us feel bad about ourselves, impede our success, and cause us to repeat unhealthy patterns. They even govern our moods and reactions.

Years of degradation, manipulation and brainwashing by your narcissistic abuser has infused your mind with many limiting beliefs. You will be surprised at how many of the following you can claim as your own:

  • I do not deserve: happiness, success, love, recognition, success, money, relationships, friendships with quality people
  • I do not: trust myself, know what I want, feel worthy, have self-control, like or love myself, matter
  • I am not: good enough, smart enough, worthy enough, thoughtful enough, motivated enough, competent enough, rich enough, outgoing enough, thin enough, pretty enough, skilled enough, important enough
  • I cannot: do it as well as others can, reach goals, make money, survive on my own, start a business, get a degree, change who I am, change how I think
  • I should not: think of myself first, love or like myself, feel good about myself, feel angry, ask for what I want, expect others to come through for me, trust anyone, let my guard down
  • I should be: more successful than I am, farther along in life than I am, more educated, more social, a better person
  • Nobody: listens to me, cares about me, wants me, believes in me, likes me, accepts me
  • No one will like or love me if: I am not perfect, I am not successful, I am not a pleaser, they get to know me, I speak honestly, I am not beautiful, I don’t earn their approval
  • Everyone else: judges me, is better than me, rejects me, hates me, thinks I am stupid
  • I always: make mistakes, procrastinate, say stupid things, anger people, quit things, frustrate people, feel guilty, look foolish
  • I am: a quitter, a weirdo, lazy, an unlovable person, an unlikable person, a failure, responsible for others’ happiness
  • It is my job to: smooth things over, make others happy, make others feel better, apologize, keep the peace
  • There’s no point in: getting my hopes up, trying at all, trying again, being honest, having goals, asking for what I want, showing people who I really am
  • Happiness is: a myth, unattainable, for others
  • I must suffer to: show how much I care, get attention, make up for bad things I’ve done, prove my point
  • I must be fearful of: other people, life, relationships, men, women

Reread the above list and highlight all the limiting beliefs that apply to you. Explore each one by asking yourself the following questions:

  1. Why do I have the limiting belief?
  2. Is the belief true or false?
  3. Is the belief relevant to my life now?
  4. Am I willing to let the belief go?

Before you can change your subconscious inner dialogue you must bring it to your conscious mind and then challenge it. That involves monitoring your thoughts, emotions, actions and reactions to see what triggers you and what non-productive patterns you are stuck in.

Limiting beliefs change when they are replaced by positive dialogue. You can reprogram your mind through the use of positive affirmations such as:

  • I deserve to love and be loved
  • I love and accept myself totally and completely
  • I choose happiness and peace in my life
  • I am whole, healthy and complete
  • I am worthy of success
  • I deserve to live a life of abundance
  • I am the only one in charge of my life
  • I am a beautiful person inside and out
  • I am a survivor
  • I am worthy of all the good things in life
  • I can face any challenge

These are just suggestions. You can create your own affirmations or find other ones that resonate with you.

Repeat your affirmations often. Say them to yourself in the mirror. Post them in places where you spend a lot of time. Especially use them whenever you catch yourself having limiting beliefs. The more often and regularly you repeat your affirmations, the faster your inner dialogue will change and the better you will feel about yourself.

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Thanksgiving Gratitude Message 2016

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A Message of Gratitude on Thanksgiving

Randi G. Fine

Thanksgiving is a day that comes once every year to remind us to be grateful for all the blessings in our lives. It is a day for positive reflection, forgiveness and gratitude.

As we reflect, let us remember loved ones who are no longer with us, allowing gratitude to fill our hearts for the gift of having had these beautiful souls in our lives. Let us not focus on the loss of what we no longer have in the physical sense, but on the generous gift we were blessed with that profoundly touched our lives. Know that they are always with us in spirit. Thank them for the outpouring of eternal love and protection they surround us with every moment of every day.

Let us remember to give thanks on Thanksgiving to our many guides in the spirit world who love us more than we will ever know – who support us through challenging times and joyfully applaud all our successes.

On this Thanksgiving holiday, let us take a vacation from feelings of malice, judgment, blame, hatred, resentment and victimization – feelings that poison our souls and harden our hearts. Let us free our spirits – open them up to give thanks for our survival, recovery, and everything that brought us forth to this day.

As we celebrate Thanksgiving this year, let us be grateful for those who love us, see past our shortcomings, and accept us for who we are. Let us accept ourselves, forgive ourselves and be grateful for the person we are. And let us extend the same appreciation, forgiveness and acceptance to others.

On this Thanksgiving holiday I would like to extend my heartfelt gratitude to all of you, my dearest readers, followers, and listeners, for allowing me to share the things that are most important to me.  I am deeply inspired by all of you.

Wishing you a warm, lovely Thanksgiving day, however you wish to spend it. May your blessings from this day forward be bountiful.

Happy Thanksgiving

With Love and Gratitude,

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Previous Thanksgiving Posts:

Thanksgiving Message
Thanksgiving Blessing
Thanksgiving a Time to Be Grateful

More Gratitude Posts:

Rumi Gratitude Poem
Grateful Outlook Attracts Universal Generosity
Gratitude Picture Quote
Gratitude Picture Quote
Grateful Picture Quote
Thankfulness Message
Gratitude Message
Beautiful Life Picture Quote
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Narcissistic Parents Picture Quote

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npd-abuse29Narcissistic parents believe they own their children. Whatever they do for the child is considered a sacrifice, so the child always has a debt to pay. Whatever the child achieves is owned by the parent too. Perhaps it was the parent’s constant nagging or urging that got the child there, or maybe it was the parent’s genes or talents that made the success possible. And the achievements only matter if they please the parent or give him something to brag about. It is always all about them.

~Randi G Fine, Close Encounters of the Worst Kind

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Veterans Day 2016

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veterans-day4On Veteran’s Day 2016

Thank you to all Veterans past and present who have selflessly served our country and protected our freedom.

Today, on Veteran’s Day 2016, we celebrate you!

America’s Flag

Written by William E. Kenyon, Brimfield, MA

Fifty stars for fifty states

Of which we can be proud

Thirteen stripes, of red and white

Our flag doth cry aloud

Do not threaten me it cries

I am the symbol of a country great

We will not run, we will not hide

We are the United States

We are a country of freedoms

We will fight, we will not bend

Our men and women proudly serve

Till all wars are at an end

Do not try to frighten us

You cannot break down our door

You cannot kill tradition

Other countries have tried before

As I wave I give this warning

We are a country that stands tall

I am a flag that stands for freedom

I am the flag that will not fall

God Bless our Troops and God Bless America!

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How to Deal with Narcissistic Parents

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angry-old-ladyStrategies for Dealing with Narcissistic Parents

Excerpt from Randi Fine’s Upcoming Book, Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Guide to Healing

As an adult child dealing with narcissistic parents, normal rules do not apply. Confrontations do not work, reasoning does not work, standing up to them does not work, and family counseling does not work. Your feelings will never be validated. Your parent will never admit he has done anything to hurt you or has ever done anything wrong, period.

If your parents are anything like mine they will deflect what they did by throwing the blame back on you. My parents have told my sisters and me more times than I can count that they went through hell raising us. The truth is that we went through hell being raised, but they will never see it that way.

If your non-narcissistic parent is an enabler you cannot count on her to help you. She will probably defend her partner to the death, even if it means sacrificing her relationship with you. If she doesn’t defend him she will make excuses for him.

That leaves you with only two options for dealing with your parents: measured contact or no contact/total estrangement. In either case you will need to enforce ironclad boundaries.

The decision whether or not to stay in contact becomes difficult when your narcissistic abuser is a sick, infirm or aged parent. That is a very personal choice that you will have to weigh.

No matter the case, no one can tell you what is best for you. Your decision should come after careful consideration.

Measured contact with your narcissistic parent:

Measured contact means having controlled, limited interactions with the narcissistic parent. All of the tips and strategies I have given you for dealing with a narcissist are applicable to dealing with a narcissistic parent. Boundaries must be set up and enforced so tightly that the narcissistic parent is afraid to cross the line. Refer to Chapter Thirty if you need additional help setting your boundaries.

Setting boundaries with a narcissistic parent who does not want them (none of them do) is difficult, but it can be done. Be prepared; it requires toughness and tenacity on your end to pull it off. When you first try to set boundaries with your parent, expect that he will fight ferociously to prevent you from doing it.

It is not a mean or vindictive thing to establish boundaries with your parents. It is the fair and right thing to do in every relationship you will ever have. The fact that your parents do not wish to be fair in their treatment of you should not be deterrence.

Once boundaries are established your parent will continually test them, just as a child tests limits, to see how far he can go. If you keep enforcing the consequences you have clearly laid out, he will eventually comply or back off entirely.

You will never be able to relax your boundaries with your abusive parent. No matter how much time passes, or how long he has been on his best behavior, beware—he will always be looking for a way back in.

The only exception to that rule is if your parent develops senile dementia or another disease that affects his memory. Some adult children finally have the lovely relationships they have always desired with their narcissistic parents, once their parents lose their memory. But I wouldn’t count on that happening.

The following are tips to help you navigate a measured contact relationship with your narcissistic parent:

  • Narcissists learn best by reward and punishment, just as children do. Set up clear guidelines for what you will and will not tolerate, advise your parent what those guidelines are, and then be a strict enforcer.
  • All measured contact interactions should be strictly on your terms. You control if they will occur, where they will occur, and how long they will occur. The less time spent with your parent, the easier it is to control the outcome.
  • Do not let your narcissistic parent rely solely on you. Enlist others to help you. Your parent will probably tell you he has no one else, or that no one can replace you, but that is only to manipulate you and keep you around for narcissistic supply. Relieve yourself of the responsibility of being his one and only, and then watch how fast he replaces you. You will be amazed.
  • When interacting with your narcissistic parent, do not confront or criticize him. Agree with everything he says and any advice he gives without voicing an opinion or displaying emotion. When you leave, do as you please.
  • Any information you share with your parent should be given on a need-to-know basis. Your narcissistic parent may tell you everything, but you do not have to tell him everything. Keep it generic.
  • No matter what he says, do not let him see you react. If he is trying to provoke you and you feel like you might react, just say goodbye, and depending on the situation either hang up the phone or get up and leave.

No contact with your narcissistic parent:

If your parent will not stop the manipulation and abuse no matter what strategies you use or boundaries you set, and every interaction with him is toxic and stressful for you, it is probably best to separate yourself from him entirely. No one should have to put up with ongoing abuse.

Total estrangement means no contact at all. Having no contact may involve:

  • Informing your parent that you wish to have no contact with him
  • Informing friends and family that you have severed contact with your parent
  • Changing your telephone number(s) or blocking your parent’s number(s)
  • Not listening to any voice mails or reading any texts from your parent
  • Not engaging in any conversations with your parent; no phone calls, no emails, no texts
  • Changing your email address, blocking your parent from accessing it, or directing all his emails to spam
  • Asking mutual friends and relatives not to share information about your parent with you, unless it is an emergency situation that you should be notified about
  • Asking mutual friends and relatives not to share information about you with your parent
  • Blocking your parent’s access to your social networking sites
  • Storing away any photos or memorabilia that remind you of your parent

When there are grandchildren:

When grandchildren are involved, if at all possible it is best not to restrict your parent’s access to them, unless your children are being manipulated or abused. Your children deserve to have a relationship with their grandparents as long as it is a positive one.

That said, if you were sexually abused by a parent, or suspect you were, do not allow that parent access to your child without supervision. Your enabling parent is not an adequate supervisor—he or she did not protect you.

In most cases parents who were emotionally abusive to their children will not be emotionally abusive to their grandchildren, though one can never be sure. When your children are young it is best to monitor what goes on. If you suspect there is a problem, stop the visits.

The best defense your children can have against any type of abuse or manipulation is a strong boundary system. Start teaching them boundaries as soon as they can speak. Give them age appropriate privacy, independence, and respect, and require they give the same back to you. Be a good example for your children. Have your own healthy boundary system in place. Your children will do exactly as you do.

Some tips:

  • Ask your children specific questions about their visits. Make sure boundaries are not being crossed and that there is no inappropriate abuse going on.
  • Never say derogatory things about your parents to your children, and make sure your parents are not saying derogatory things about you to them.
  • Support your young children’s relationship with their grandparents by sending greeting cards for special occasions with the children’s names on them.
  • If it makes you feel more comfortable, ask someone you trust to transfer your children to and from their grandparents’ home. When they are mature enough, let them negotiate the relationship logistics (transportation, telephone calls, greeting cards, etc.)
  • All your children should be treated equally. Assigning grandchildren roles as they did their own children is abusive. Favoritism is abusive. If it is happening, stop allowing your children to spend time alone with their grandparents.
  • If young children ask why you don’t have a relationship with their grandparents, tell them that some things happened that made you not want to be around them, but that it has nothing to do with their grandchild/grandparent relationship. When they are older you can explain more, but never badmouth your parents to your children.

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