In remembrance of all those whose lives were changed forever and all those whose lives were taken on that fateful day, September 11, 2001.
In remembrance of all those whose lives were changed forever and all those whose lives were taken on that fateful day, September 11, 2001.
Those who have suffered narcissistic abuse find healing on their own very difficult. Whether they realize it or not, the hardest thing to overcome is the brainwashing that has been done to them.
Victims are conditioned to think a certain way by narcissists who want to control them. Narcissists don’t learn and practice brainwashing, manipulation, and control techniques, as most of us would have to in order to effectively use them. It comes naturally to their pathologically depraved minds. They simply know how to do it with little or no deliberation. Since their very survival depends on capturing vulnerable hosts to feed off of, it is a skill that must be second nature to them.
If you have read and listened to everything NPD, understand what you are dealing with, but cannot get passed it or overcome the pain, it is because of the brainwashing that has been done to you. Your mind will always default to the way in which it was conditioned. This state of mind does not have to become a permanent way of thinking, but if you do not get someone to help you deprogram what has been subliminally put in there, you will find this challenge insurmountable.
If you think you are immune to mind control, think again. Anyone, given the right circumstances may be subject to it. If you have had any prolonged exposure to someone with narcissistic personality disorder, I can guarantee you that you are suffering its effects.
The article below briefly explains how brainwashing in abusive relationships occurs. It is based on a report that has come to be known as “Biderman’s Chart of Coercion. To learn more about brainwashing I suggest you do your own research.
Being in an abusive relationship often feels like torture. Sometimes that’s because your partner’s behavior feels like the torture techniques used by mortal enemies instead.
Brainwashing is defined in the Psychology Dictionary as that which “manipulates and modifies a person’s emotions, attitudes, and beliefs.” It reduces a person’s ability to mentally defend themselves and makes it easier for another person to control them.
Brainwashing is one example of how abuse in relationships parallels torture. Brainwashing makes it easier to control a targeted person. And it makes it harder for the person to see their way free of the relationship.
Abusive people often are able to throw the targets of their abuse into a trance that makes it difficult for them to think clearly. Targets of abuse can begin to take on the opinions of the abusive person and lose themselves.
A man or woman who is peppered with their partner’s opinion, given little or no time to recover, and kept busy responding to demands may not have much mental energy left over. They may be inundated with the partner’s version of events to the point where it is difficult to hold on to their own perspective. The anxiety that can be produced by being the target of abuse also makes it difficult to think clearly.
In 1956, Albert Biderman studied how prisoner of war camp personnel got U.S. prisoners of the Korean War to give them tactical information, collaborate with propaganda, and agree with false confessions. Biderman stated that inflicting physical pain was not necessary to “induce compliance,” but psychological manipulations were extremely effective for that purpose. His report included what has come to be known as “Biderman’s Chart of Coercion.”
Biderman’s chart has been used by many to describe the elements that contribute to brainwashing in various situations, including partner abuse. The tactics included in his chart can be linked to other ways people abuse their partners.
In his Chart of Coercion, Biderman summarized the mechanisms for brainwashing:
Not all eight elements need to be present in order for brainwashing to occur. Each element can have some power to distort reality, interfere with perception, reduce a person’s self-confidence, and garner compliance.
In a prisoner of war camp, the prisoner and jailer are enemies. Servicemen and –women are commonly trained to deal with brainwashing tactics in case they are captured by enemy forces.
In a romantic relationship, the partners are supposed to be on the same side. It is reasonable to expect love, understanding, and compassion from your partner, and to want to offer that to them also. The relationship, unfortunately, creates a vulnerability to the coercive brainwashing of a malicious or self-centered partner. It is unexpected. It can sneak up on you.
If you have ever considered narcissistic abuse counseling or need advice on narcissistic abuse issues, now is a good time to start with me because my rates will be going from $60 per hour to $100 per hour in October. Anyone who has started with me prior to the rate increase will be locked into the old rates. To make an appointment, please go to http://www.randigfine.com/finelifeissuescounseling. There are two ways to book with me. Be sure to book the appointment in your desired format (Skype or Telephone)
The one person I am with forever is me. My relationship with myself is eternal, so I choose to be my own best friend. I choose to love and accept myself, and talk to myself as I would a beloved person in my life. I saturate all the cells in my body with love, and they become vibrantly healthy. I relate with love to all of my life. ~Louise Hay
Your problem is… you’re too busy holding onto your unworthiness. - Ram Dass
When nobody else celebrates you, learn to celebrate yourself. When nobody else compliments you, then compliment yourself. It’s not up to other people to keep you encouraged. It’s up to you. Encouragement should come from the inside. ~Joel Osteen
Our species thrives on the reciprocity of love and kindness. We should always reach out to those in need. But we must show kindness to ourselves before we can show it to others. Each of us must define for ourselves the balance between taking care of ourselves and assisting others, and accept that we cannot be everything to everyone.~Randi G Fine
To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are. ~Author Unknown
First become alone. First start enjoying yourself. First love yourself. First become so authentically happy that if nobody comes it doesn’t matter; you are full, overflowing. If nobody knocks at your door it is perfectly okay; you are not missing. You are not waiting for someone to come and knock at the door. You are at home. If somebody comes: good—beautiful. If nobody comes that too is beautiful and good. ~Osho~
The rule of thumb has to be: I’m going to be very, very, very happy, and then do everything I have time to do after that. ~Abraham
Loving yourself…does not mean being self-absorbed or narcissistic, or disregarding others. Rather it means welcoming yourself as the most honored guest in your own heart, a guest worthy of respect, a lovable companion. -Margo Anand
Once you believe in yourself and see your soul as divine and precious, you’ll automatically be converted to a being who can create miracles. ~Wayne Dyer~
True love only comes when self-love is already there. ~Randi G. Fine~
You are a beautiful creation—perfectly imperfect—a work in progress—you have everything you need to fulfill your purpose—don’t dilute yourself for any person or for any reason—you are enough. Be unapologetically you. ~Steve Maraboli
How different would your life be if the fear, shame, self-doubt, and burdens of your past no longer existed—if you, accepted yourself, loved yourself, and respected yourself despite your weight, appearance or history? These things do not define you. Let them go and start creating the life you desire. ~Author Unknown~ (quote found on weighingthefacts.blogspot.com)
In the space between each thought may you know your greatness, the vast nature of your being. In the space between each breath may you feel the immense depth of your soul, and know yourself to be love. ~Julie Parker
Fill your own well with love so that others may drink from it. ~Randi G. Fine
Awaken to the true beauty of your Spirit. You have come through portals of light to be here on the planet right now. Write you name upon the sky and know your life is a blessing. ~Laurel Bleadon –Maffei~
Becoming acquainted with yourself is a price well worth paying for the love that will really address your needs. ~Daphne Rose Kingma~
A healthy self-love means we have no compulsion to justify to ourselves or others why we take vacations, why we sleep late, why we buy new shoes, why we spoil ourselves from time to time. We feel comfortable doing things which add quality and beauty to life. ~Andrew Matthews
Self love does not lessen our ability to love others; it increases it. The more love we have within the more love we have to give out. ~Randi G. Fine
There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me or leave me. Accept me or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don’t fit your idea of who I should be, and don’t try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad, you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you. ~Stacey Charter
Something inside you emerges….an innate, in-dwelling peace, stillness, aliveness. It is the unconditioned, who you are in your essence. It is what you had been looking for in the love object. It is yourself. ~Eckhart Tolle
No matter what age you are, or what your circumstances might be, you are special, and you still have something unique to offer. Your life, because of who you are, has meaning.~Barbara de Angelis
Cultivating self-love is the tallest mountain we will ever have to climb, yet it is the core of everything we do in life. ~Randi G Fine
It doesn’t make sense to call ourselves ugly, because we don’t really see ourselves. We don’t watch ourselves sleeping in bed, curled up silent with our chests rising and falling with our own rhythm. We don’t see ourselves reading a book, eyes fluttering and glowing. You don’t see yourself looking at someone with love and care in your heart. There’s no mirror in your way when you’re laughing and smiling, and pure happiness is leaking out of you. You would know exactly how bright and beautiful you are if you saw yourself in the moments where you are truly your authentic self. ~Author Unknown~ (found on eattentiondeficitdisorder.tumblr.com)
Read Other Quote Collections:
To be so strong that nothing
can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.
To think only the best, to work only for the best,
and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give every living creature you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.”
Narcissistic abuse victims and survivors desperately need validation for the experiences they have had that no one ever admits to or sees. This video gives you the comfort and validation you have been seeking but have not yet found in friends, family, psychotherapists, and most of all your narcissistic abuser.
We all find ourselves overwhelmed at times by situations that we have no control over; situations that we cannot change no matter how hard we try or what we do.
We all have difficulty accepting situations that are not the way we wish they would be. This difficulty manifests itself in feelings of frustration, anger, jealousy and regrets. These negative feelings interfere with our day to day peace of mind. They prevent us from forgetting or forgiving that which is well beyond our control. They impact our ability to move forward.
Many things we experience in our day to day lives are beyond our control; the weather, natural disasters, traffic conditions, delays, illness, the economy, etc. These experiences may make us feel uncomfortable, we may not like them, but we grit our teeth, make our best effort to roll with the punches, and move forward. The reason we are able to do that is because we do not feel personally threatened by these situations. For the most part they do not trigger deep emotions in us.
When something in our lives threatens our security, our tendency is to cling tightly to control. Control is always rooted in fear and attached to an outcome we believe is best for us. We fear that if we relinquish control, it will result in an undesired outcome. We fear that this undesired outcome will unsettle a precariously balanced foundation.
The primary disadvantage of fear-based control is that it obstructs our emotional well-being. As long as we continue to exercise control over everything in our world, we will not be able to accept what comes our way and therefore cannot possibly live a peaceful existence.
The lines between what we can and cannot control may blur sometimes. For instance, if someone close to us is on a self-destructive path, is it realistic to believe that we can effectively change or control his or her behavior?
We can certainly try and probably should if we care about that person’s welfare, but we must accept that the ultimate outcome is reliant on that person’s own desire to change. We can change our response to that person’s behavior, our level of acceptance of it, and our attitude, but we must accept our powerlessness in changing another individual without their desire to do so. We can make the effort but we cannot be emotionally attached to the outcome.
Many of us get stuck when it comes to accepting a regretful or painful past. We focus a great deal of emotional energy wishing we could change our past, even though our logical minds know that is impossible to do; that it is beyond our control.
There are actions we can take and attitudes we can adopt to help us come to terms with what happened. We can apologize and take responsibility for anything we may have done in the past that we regret. We can extract meaning and learn from our past experiences and mistakes. What we cannot do is change it.
We can however change the present and positively impact the future. We can face the repercussions of our past and move forward in the present. But ultimately we must come to terms with our past and accept it, because not accepting what happened will cause a great deal of disharmony in our lives.
The good news is that there are several things we can control or change in our lives with the expectation of positive outcomes. We can control aspects of our lives related to self-love, self-esteem, the betterment of our health, the enrichment of our relationships, and the quality of our lives.
We can improve our lives by changing the way we use our personal time, changing our habits, changing our relationships and the nature of them, changing the direction of our lives, changing our environments, changing our goals and occupations, and changing our health consciousness.
Each of us has power within to change our choices, our opinions, our core beliefs and values, and our points of view. And if we desire we can effectively control or change any responses, reactions, expectations, attitudes, or moods that do not serve us well.
On the other hand, no amount of control can change the families we were born into, our innate talents, our physical tendencies, our genetic make-ups or our sexual preferences. Likewise, our death and the death of those we love are inevitable realities for all of us.
We can wrestle with our feelings, live in denial, lash out, or feel victimized by our lots in life, but we can never change them. We do, however, have two options. The first option is to accept the reality of what is. The second option is to be miserable with a reality we cannot accept.
Granted, it is extremely difficult and painful to accept what we do not like, what we wish we could change but cannot. Resignation is hard to come to terms with when control is completely out of our hands. But the bottom line is, our happiness depends on that acceptance.
Why not swim with the current instead of against it? Resistance builds blockages; blockages that create depression, sleep disturbances, anxiety, stress, and general un-wellness. Once we decide to go with the flow instead of against it our lives begin changing in spectacular ways.
The irony is this; when we stop trying to control everything in our lives we actually gain more control over them. Acceptance and allowance open us up to all the possibilities that exist in the Universe. Acceptance frees our mind, body, and spirit.
Acceptance is a choice we make to better our lives. It begins with realistic expectations about life itself; with the understanding that life is not always fair, not everyone will like or love us, no one is perfect, and everyone experiences adversity.
Acceptance comes with the realization that there is no true reality; that no two people share the same exact perceptions, that there are as many points of view as there are people. It is the realization that our point of view is not the only one that is right, logical or fair.
Acceptance involves the taming of our egos and the embracing of humility. It comes with believing we are worthy of everything, but not entitled to anything other than our opinion.
Acceptance is the recognition that our souls chose to come here to learn specific lessons. It is the understanding that we are not cursed, we are not victims of life, and no one is punishing us.
Acceptance is about taking charge of the direction of our lives. It is about recognizing that we, not a supreme power, not our families, not our partners, not our government, are responsible for our own happiness and well-being.
As Lao Tzu said, “Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”