How the Narcissist Keeps Sucking You Back In



Why You Keep Getting Sucked Back In

Randi G. Fine, Author

From the book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery © 2017

How many times have you separated from your narcissistic abuser and then got pulled right back into his (or her) web of deceit before you even knew what happened to you?

Every victim of narcissistic abuse has had that repeatedly frustrating experience and felt more and more idiotic each time for once again falling prey to the manipulation. Once you understand what your narcissist abuser is up to he will lose all power over you. As the famous poet Maya Angelou said, “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” You will know better and do better.

There is a specific tactic Narcissists use to draw victims back into their cycle of abuse over and over again known as “hoovering.”

The actual definition of hoovering is “vacuuming.” In more recent years it has become a slang term used to describe the “sucking back in” maneuver narcissists use with their victims. Through hoovering, they are able to regain control of people, against their will, who have escaped or gone no contact.

Narcissistic hoovering tactics include:

  • Acting kind and considerate to convince you they have changed
  • Threatening self-harm or suicide
  • Telling you they are sick, in pain, dying or in the hospital
  • Sending unwanted cards and gifts
  • Requesting information from you that they need and only you would know
  • Telling others how sorry they are about what they did to you
  • Telling you that someone needs your help
  • “Accidentally” sending provocative texts to you that are meant for someone else
  • “Apologizing” for what they did to you when they have never apologized before
  • Expressing concern for you to others or asking them where you are
  • Developing or maintaining relationships with people close to you
  • Trying to return items you left behind
  • Passing on a message they claim someone gave them for you
  • Emailing, texting or calling as if nothing happened
  • Informing you of something they think you “might like to know;” weddings, deaths, new baby, etc.
  • Claiming that they are returning a text or message from you (that you never sent)
  • Contacting you on birthdays, holidays or special occasions to let you know they are thinking of you
  • Sending loving messages to your kids through you to tug at your heartstrings
  • Contacting you because they “forgot to tell you something”

Narcissists will continue hoovering as long as it feeds their egos and fulfills their needs. Any response from you, whether negative or positive, will perpetuate the harassment. If you truly want nothing to do with your abuser, do not fall for their tricks.

This is copyrighted material. May only be shared with permission and proper attribution.

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